No Girls Allowed, Except Me.

Speaking as a woman who works in a school, I can safely say female co-workers are the worst. They gossip, backbite, gossip, carry tales, gossip, and that's just Monday morning. Being fed up to me eye sockets with this, I have decided to open my own school. A school where I am the principal and all the teachers are male. Did I mention they are male and hot?

Math: Russell Crowe (qualifications: He was a math teacher in A Beautiful Mind)
English: Johnny Depp (qualifications: He speaks English very well in POTC 1-3)
Science: Hugh Jackman (qualifications: He's all sciency in The Prestige)
History: Kevin Costner (qualifications: Numerous westerns)
PE: Christian Bale (qualifications: He's pretty buff in Batman)
Music: Josh Groban (qualifications: He sings good)
Art: open
Bus Driver: Dale Earnhardt,Jr. (qualifications: He drives like a son of a gun)
Janitor: Mark Wahlberg (qualifications: cute is a qualification)
Cook: Chef Boyardee: (qualifications: He may not be much to look at, but he makes noodle-o's)

It used to be about the candy, man!

What happened to Halloween? When I was a kid, Halloween was about the 2 C's...CANDY and CREATIVITY. Now, it has become so cheap, so dirty, so commercialized. Parents drop a hundo for a cheap, crappy costume like they are paying off a library fine. It's no big deal. Well, it IS a big deal. What happened to putting some thought into it and coming up with something original? Now, it's just drop by the local discount store and buy some hideous flammable death shroud. We used to take grandma's jewelry, grandpa's boots, Uncle Doug's overcoat, a smear of mascara....instant pirate or convict or jewel thief.

What about the candy? Candy used to look apetizing, now it's edible eyeballs and vomit flavored jelly beans. Then, there are those wack-os that believe in passing out healthy treats. As if they can be labeled as treats. The closest to healthy we ever got as kids was an apple and a cookie. The apple was always accompanied by the cookie. I think it was the little old ladies way of saying, "Here, I know it's a helathy snack, so sugar up on the snickerdoodle." The cookie cancelled out the apple. I think we need to get back to the 2 C's. Those were good times.

Is your husband a werewolf?

1. You are on a first name basis with your plumber's wife. This is due to the fact that you have put their children through college on all his trips to remove hair clogs from your bathtub drain.

2. He refuses to eat dinner with your grandmother's silver. Instead, he opts to use plastic sporks he gets from Taco Bell.

3. Coincidentally, there is always a full moon on his "poker nights".

4. When you eat at KFC and the counter attendant asks if you want original or extra crispy, he always asks for raw.

5. You get embarrassed during church services when he begins howling "Amazing Grace".

6. Everytime The Shaggy D.A. is on TV, he is glued to the set.

7. Your neighbor, the chicken farmer, keeps complaining about disappearing chickens. Coincidentally, you keep finding buckshot in the laundry hamper.

8. He has the same "costume" every Halloween.