My Personality

No Girls Allowed, Except Me.

Speaking as a woman who works in a school, I can safely say female co-workers are the worst. They gossip, backbite, gossip, carry tales, gossip, and that's just Monday morning. Being fed up to me eye sockets with this, I have decided to open my own school. A school where I am the principal and all the teachers are male. Did I mention they are male and hot?

Math: Russell Crowe (qualifications: He was a math teacher in A Beautiful Mind)
English: Johnny Depp (qualifications: He speaks English very well in POTC 1-3)
Science: Hugh Jackman (qualifications: He's all sciency in The Prestige)
History: Kevin Costner (qualifications: Numerous westerns)
PE: Christian Bale (qualifications: He's pretty buff in Batman)
Music: Josh Groban (qualifications: He sings good)
Art: open
Bus Driver: Dale Earnhardt,Jr. (qualifications: He drives like a son of a gun)
Janitor: Mark Wahlberg (qualifications: cute is a qualification)
Cook: Chef Boyardee: (qualifications: He may not be much to look at, but he makes noodle-o's)

It used to be about the candy, man!

What happened to Halloween? When I was a kid, Halloween was about the 2 C's...CANDY and CREATIVITY. Now, it has become so cheap, so dirty, so commercialized. Parents drop a hundo for a cheap, crappy costume like they are paying off a library fine. It's no big deal. Well, it IS a big deal. What happened to putting some thought into it and coming up with something original? Now, it's just drop by the local discount store and buy some hideous flammable death shroud. We used to take grandma's jewelry, grandpa's boots, Uncle Doug's overcoat, a smear of mascara....instant pirate or convict or jewel thief.

What about the candy? Candy used to look apetizing, now it's edible eyeballs and vomit flavored jelly beans. Then, there are those wack-os that believe in passing out healthy treats. As if they can be labeled as treats. The closest to healthy we ever got as kids was an apple and a cookie. The apple was always accompanied by the cookie. I think it was the little old ladies way of saying, "Here, I know it's a helathy snack, so sugar up on the snickerdoodle." The cookie cancelled out the apple. I think we need to get back to the 2 C's. Those were good times.

Is your husband a werewolf?

1. You are on a first name basis with your plumber's wife. This is due to the fact that you have put their children through college on all his trips to remove hair clogs from your bathtub drain.

2. He refuses to eat dinner with your grandmother's silver. Instead, he opts to use plastic sporks he gets from Taco Bell.

3. Coincidentally, there is always a full moon on his "poker nights".

4. When you eat at KFC and the counter attendant asks if you want original or extra crispy, he always asks for raw.

5. You get embarrassed during church services when he begins howling "Amazing Grace".

6. Everytime The Shaggy D.A. is on TV, he is glued to the set.

7. Your neighbor, the chicken farmer, keeps complaining about disappearing chickens. Coincidentally, you keep finding buckshot in the laundry hamper.

8. He has the same "costume" every Halloween.

Random Thoughts

Does anyone else hate it when people say periphial vison instead of peripheral or flustrated instead of frustrated? I guess they have Old Timer's disease. Shut it people. Just shut it.

Also, is it me or is Spongebob Squarepants on 24 hours a day? Shouldn't Squidward get equal time somewhere?

The copy machine repairman told me today that he thinks the problem with kids today is that they don't get to beat each other up when they get into an verbal argument. It sounds a bit wacky, but I know I would feel a lot better if I could knock the soup of some wisenheimer that I get into an argument with. "Hey Mr. Give Me The Finger In Traffic, meet my fender!"

Final random thought: Why do people do embarrassing commercials. Yes, I want to draw attention to my incontinence, chin hairs and mental illness. That's bad, but people shilling their kids for bed wetting commercials. I imagine those kids are popular birthday party invites. They are just future incontinet, hairy chinned mental patients.

Catch the 3:10 to Yuma

I have had a kind of long creatively unstimulating week full of craptacular events of nonsignifigance and little remembered snatchets of mundane nonmemories. However, I decided to see 3:10 to Yuma...again. It has taken over the number one slot of my all time favorite movies. Big deal? Maybe, but I really like movies and I have seen a ton of them, so to me it is a big deal. Russell Crowe is just outlandishly great, as expected. He makes you cheer for the bad guy. Christian Bale, well, I just heart Christian Bale. The guy rarely smiles, but he doesn't have to. He can convey any message loud and clear with one raised eyelash. That's right, I said eyelash. That's just how good he is. These two deserve one gigantic Oscar to be shared by them both. Maybe they could just give them one of the novelty statues that decorate the entrance of the Academy awards. They could do a split custody thing. Maybe they could meet every Sunday night at a predetermined location to pass Oscar off. However, the way these guys solve their problems, I imagine the last one standing can keep Oscar in his mansion's game room. I'll definitely see 3:10 to Yuma again and so should you. You don't want to wake up with Mr. Crowe or Mr. Bale cocking a pistol above your head. See 3:10 to Yuma....it's the right thing to do.

Noah Webster Would Be Spinning in His Grave

I guess every family has them, no, I'm not talking about ties to the mafia. I'm talking about their own vocabulary. There are some terms that my family uses that would probably sound like nonsensical blathering to anyone else. Here are a few of them:

Kidnapper's Van: This is the old style A-Team type van with no windows. They are only driven by hippies and kidnappers and some hippie kidnappers.

Daddy's Weekend: This is when you see dads(only)with small children on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. It is usually in sit-down restaurants where the kids are feasting on french fries, pizza, chicken nuggets, rootbeer floats and hot fudge sundaes all at once while dad flirts with the teenaged waitress.

Buffet High: This is when you eat at a low quality all you can eat buffet. You are just thinking about the quantity of food, not the quality. You are so impressed with the amount you eat, that you don't care that each thing tastes like Chef Boyardee scraped it off a Men's room floor with a transient's tube sock.

Hurry Shorts: These are those shorts that every man has. The holey, out of style pair that they pull on when they see car lights coming up the driveway. Don't be embarrassed, all men do it. No one wants a Jehovah's Witness to see them in their heart boxers. They probably would have a tract for that.

Loaf of Bread Hair: This is the haircut that all boys had in their second grade pictures. No use getting re-takes. It's like a curse. This haircut goes back generations. If Pilgrim boys had had school pictures, thy gude man wouldst have succoumbed to loafeth of breade haire.

Monkey Paws: These are the hairs that some wolflike men (and possibly Russian women)have growing down their necks. If you don't shave them, they look like a monkey is climbing out of your shirt. Cute, but not a good way to attract chicks.