Noah Webster Would Be Spinning in His Grave

I guess every family has them, no, I'm not talking about ties to the mafia. I'm talking about their own vocabulary. There are some terms that my family uses that would probably sound like nonsensical blathering to anyone else. Here are a few of them:

Kidnapper's Van: This is the old style A-Team type van with no windows. They are only driven by hippies and kidnappers and some hippie kidnappers.

Daddy's Weekend: This is when you see dads(only)with small children on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. It is usually in sit-down restaurants where the kids are feasting on french fries, pizza, chicken nuggets, rootbeer floats and hot fudge sundaes all at once while dad flirts with the teenaged waitress.

Buffet High: This is when you eat at a low quality all you can eat buffet. You are just thinking about the quantity of food, not the quality. You are so impressed with the amount you eat, that you don't care that each thing tastes like Chef Boyardee scraped it off a Men's room floor with a transient's tube sock.

Hurry Shorts: These are those shorts that every man has. The holey, out of style pair that they pull on when they see car lights coming up the driveway. Don't be embarrassed, all men do it. No one wants a Jehovah's Witness to see them in their heart boxers. They probably would have a tract for that.

Loaf of Bread Hair: This is the haircut that all boys had in their second grade pictures. No use getting re-takes. It's like a curse. This haircut goes back generations. If Pilgrim boys had had school pictures, thy gude man wouldst have succoumbed to loafeth of breade haire.

Monkey Paws: These are the hairs that some wolflike men (and possibly Russian women)have growing down their necks. If you don't shave them, they look like a monkey is climbing out of your shirt. Cute, but not a good way to attract chicks.