America's Greatest Treasure

I think that America has put the wrong treasure in Fort Knox. Gold? Come on. There is a bigger treasure that America has just rolled over like a Sonic chili dog wrapper. What am I talking about? Well, if you have to ask that, I’m afraid I need to see your citizenship records. I could only be talking about one person: The great Fess Parker.

Fess parker was the quintessential injun fighter slash coon skin becapped pioneer. I love those old Davy Crockett movies where hijinx and hilarity ensue along the Mississippi River as he traps furs and punches bad guys in the eye. He was also pretty cool as Daniel Boone in the old series. Yes, Davy Crockett was pretty much the same guy as Daniel Boone. My theory is that Daniel stumbled onto some kind of powerful strong immortality elixir along the Wilderness Trail and to throw everyone off, he changed his name to Davy Crockett. I think he later took on other names. One of which is Charles Bronson. When it starts to get unbelievable, he switches personas. That means he still walks among us. That’s a conspiracy theory for another day. Enough about Daniel/Davy/Charles. Back to Fess….

I think they need to send Tomahawk helicopters immediately to wherever Fess parker is. There needs to be guards on him 24 hours a day. Electrical chicken wire by the mile should surround his home and all his possessions. This man needs to be protected. He’s older now, and we can’t risk any guys in tri-cornered hats trying to jump his claim. Rally call to America, “Don’t mess with Fess”.

From My Video to My Radio

Grab a bowl of Sugar Crusty Sweety-O’s Cereal and think back……Four Saturday morning TV shows made a big impact on my childhood. It’s crazy because I watched a plethora of television as a child, you would think I had more vivid memories, but my most vivid are from these shows. Two are good memories and two are bad.

Awesomeville
Kidd Video: 1984-1987
This cartoon/live action show was right up a pre-teen kid’s alley. I loved this show! It began with opening credits of a real band that got sucked in a cartoon world called “The Flipside”. They definitely saved the best for last because it ended with a sweet sweet candy coated video nearly worthy of Friday Night Videos Lite. Plus, Kidd Video was pretty easy on the eyes.

Friday Night Videos: 1983-2000
This was a Friday night staple at my house. You were Sally Lunchbox all week and then on Friday Night it was time to let loose and get down with the sweet sounds of Jermaine Jackson’s ‘Dyanmite’. I watched Prince’s ‘When Doves Cry’ so many times, I wanted to cry. I saw so many cultural and clothing changes in that time, it was amazing. Twisted Sister. Enough said.

Honorable Mention: Land of the Lost: 1974-1977
I saw these in reruns. They put them on on Saturday morning and I think I came in on the middle somewhere, but it didn’t matter. It was super great fun.

Losertown
Sport Billy: 1982-1983
Every Saturday, my mom bought us frozen pizzas for lunch. However, the ill-timed Sport Billy was on at lunch time and I found it difficult to swallow my pepperoni bounty while the TV was on. In my house, the TV was never off, except to rest while we slept. Sport Billy was about a magic kid from the planet Olympus who fought evil with sports. I think a teacher had seized control of the TV station while the programmers were at lunch and showed a school movie. This was definitely a show for nerdlings. Teamwork, cooperation…it flew in the face of true entertainment and every thing my generation had come to expect on Saturday morning.

30 Minutes: 1978-1982
This was a hard hitting documentary show for kids. Obviously they thought we couldn’t handle a whole 60 minutes and after what I saw on an episode, I tend to agree with them. This show should have been safely tucked away in the “I don’t remember that schlock” file, except for one episode. It was about a teenager that was stabbed on the street. It was so real and so bloody that it stayed with me the rest of the day and I still remember it rather vividly. Anything produced by 60 minutes should definitely not be on after cartoons. “Let’s wait until after Kissyfur goes off and then show how that drug deal went bad.”

Honorable Mention: Smurfs: 1981-1990
This was the dumbest show in the history of forever. Nothing can ever be thought of to top it in pure ignorance. What was the show about anyway? Propaganda of some sort that was fed to us like an aspirin crushed up with sugar? It didn’t matter, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve heard it’s going to be a movie. It’s definitely time to go underground.

I Dream of Televison City

I was just thinking about a city...a city centered around TV..... It makes me wonder….what would it be like to live in Television City?

A magical city that was designed by Mike Brady. Mayor Boss Hogg, is good when the Duke boys are out of town. Governor Gatling and his right-hand man, Benson, make us happy we voted them in to run the state.

The citizens sleep well at night with Sheriff Lobo keeping the county roads safe from ne’er do well monkey encumbered truck drivers. The police force includes Poncherello, Hunter, McCloud, Starsky and Hutch. However, when another set of spying eyes are necessary, they call in Magnum, Rockford and the brothers Simon. They all keep an eye on the villainous J.R. Ewing, who runs the town with an iron fist. No one is sure, but they suspect that he has the help of a genie. But his worst nightmare is a band of four Vietnam vets and a plucky news reporter that travel around in a black and red van dispensing their own form of justice.

When necessary, the hospital, St. Elsewhere is stocked with the best doctors available, Trapper John, Marcus Welby and Doogie Howser. Although, sometimes a fight breaks out over who should make the first incision. When something goes awry, they send the stiff to Quincy.

Bruce Banner keeps the litmus paper on hand and his temper in check at the downtown lab.

People never go hungry in Television City. If you want a hamburger, Arnold’s is the place to go. The local greasy spoon is Mel’s Diner, but the classier set of “friends” gather at Central Perk to chat over coffee.
Sometimes, the local band, The Partridge Family entertains.

For other forms of entertainment, you can’t go wrong by turning your radio dial to WKRP to check out the Dr. Frasier Crane show or catching a rerun of the Alan Brady Show on TV.

Education is also a top priority. Serious Miss Crump watches over Opie and his pals at the elementary school while Mr. Kotter makes sure all of his students graduate with life skills, bell bottoms and a treasury of jokes. When they finish school, all students can work in the local Jefferson’s Dry Cleaners or join the Star Fleet Academy and serve on the U.S.S. Enterprise.

The local church boasts the only flying nun in the world and Aunt Bea’s delicious apple pie at every church social.

If you need a place to live, see the local building super, Schneider. Maybe you’ll get apartment 227.
Howard Cunningham also has your tools to help fix up the place. When that doesn’t cut it, call local handyman, MacGyver. He can seal, drill or blow something up with a paper clip, baseball card and peroxide that he gets at Sanford and Son’s junkyard.

Looking for a ride? Call Alex or Latka for a taxi or if you need public transportation, wait at the bus stop for Ralph Kramden.

Every town has the creepy old house that scares the kids, not Television City. It has two, the old Addams Family place and the Munster Mansion on Mockingbird Lane. Of course there is the local creepy guy, Mister Rogers, who welcomes everyone to the neighborhood with his brand of rhymes.

Do cultures, hairstyles and even eras collide in Television City? Yes, they do! Of course they do! However, as the great Hannibal once said, “I love it when a plan comes together!”

So, as Captain Stubing waits on the dock at the local marina, I think I hear him calling, “Come aboard, we’re expecting you!”

So long my hometown! I’m moving to Television City! Population: ME! Hee Haw!