Summer of My Discontent

Once more a summer has slipped by and I hardly got anything from my To Do List completed. I didn’t drink one mint julep while sitting on the veranda. I didn’t take one stroll in the gardens. I didn’t pick one lemon to make a pitcher of ice cold lemonade.

Here is a partial list of other things that I didn’t do:

I didn’t make it to the Ring Around the Rosey Tournament in Violet Valley, Vermont. I had been practicing all spring. The winner is crowned with a ring of daisies and given a one way ticket back to reality.

I didn’t get to unveil my new line of Dickensian cat clothes called “Tails for Two Kitties”. Too many licensing issues. Now, I’m working on switching it to Dickensian clothes for earthworms. That line will be called “Bait Expectations”.

I haven’t had time to record my new answering machine message that says, “Hi. How did you find me? I’m not home because I’m in the witness protection program. Oh, no, someone’s coming. You’ve led them to me” ……click. Maybe I can do that on Christmas break.

I didn’t get to go to one backyard barbecue. That means no mosquito bites. No West Nile Virus. And another year of work. Pooey!

I didn’t get to guest star on any late night talk shows. Probably because I didn’t write a book, star in a movie, sing a hit song or win the Ring Around the Rosey Tournament. There is always next year, Conan O’Brien AND Missy Von Sturdevant!! That daisy crown is mine!!!

Summer wishes………

Sock Monkey Sings.....

Sock Monkey writes the songs that make the whole world think.
…. Berry Cantaloupe

In this long awaited collection, Sock Monkey brings back the songs of our childhood. Revising the traditional lyrics for a hipper audience, Sock Money ensures that each song will be remembered for a long time to come. Each track has been re-mixed for a bluesy sound that your kids will be humming around the milk cooler for days.

Sock Monkey Sings…contains the following songs:

Mary had a little scam
Little scam
Little scam
Mary had a little scam
She fleeced the elderly

Twinkle twinkle little bar
How I wonder where you are
I’m so drunk I can’t recall
That you are out by the mall
Twinkle twinkle little bar
I’m lost driving in my car

The farmer in the cell
The farmer in the cell
He stole another stereo
The farmer in the cell

The deals on the bus go down, down, down
down, down, down
down, down, down
The deals on the bus go down, down, down
All over town

Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Attorney and bail bondsman by his side Uh-huh

*Sock Monkey does not condone stealing, drinking or scamming the elderly. This is merely his political commentary on society. Peace out, Monkey fans.

Plan B Movie

So, I'm still thinking how cool it would be to have a movie made about my life. Obviously, I haven't done anything to merit it....yet. However, there are a couple of routes I could take.

1.) The Victim. I don't really see myself in the whole "cut down in the prime of her life" role, though. I don't want to have to have my family having to seek justice or anything. Also, I would like to live to see the premiere. I don't look good in blood, either.

2.) Whistle Blower. I am not really cut out to be Erin Brockovitch. What am I going to do? Bring down the plastic baggie industry because kid's sandwich bags aren't sealing in freshness or maybe the glue stick conglomerates beacuse the fumes are dropping kids like cops in the beginning credits of Quincy. I did have an aide go to sleep in my classroom floor once, but that's another story.

So, what's left? Maybe a wacky comedy of errors? If it makes it to theatres (which I sincerely doubt) I'm lobbying for Renee Zellwegger to play me. However, I'll probably have to settle on that girl who played the desk clerk in episode 67 of Barettta. She needs the money to buy a pride jazzi wheelchair.

Who do you want to play you?

School Supply Lists Are For Chumps

As much as I try to will it to remain July forever, August is coming. I used to dread September, but then they moved the first day of school up to mid-August. Evidently, September winds weren’t broasting the skin off of enough grade schoolers, so they moved it up to August slash purgatory. With the beginning of school come school supplies. When I was a kid, it was a big deal. You got crayons, 2 pencils, scissors and glue. Anything else was gravy. If you were lucky, your mom would buy a Trapper Keeper in your choice of colors: red or blue. Nowadays, teachers require everything from 2 kinds of crayons and glue to camera film and sandwich baggies. I don’t, but I imagine a lot of these teachers are slipping items from their personal grocery lists on the school supply sheets.
“Okay, Mom, we got crayons. Now, we need cat food, toothpaste, some menthol Marlboro's and a Woman’s Day magazine.”

School supplies have also gotten increasingly crappy in our Dollar General world. We used to have compasses that you could shish-ka-bob stuff on. If some kid ticked you off at lunch, you could use the compass to shank him. When you entered math class, you would wipe the blood on your jeans and finish your math homework. Somehow, life seemed simpler then. Now, they have plastic compasses. As if they are assuming every kid in the world is in special education geometry class.

What has happened to lunchboxes? My good friend recently gave me a cool book for my birthday with vintage lunchboxes in it. It is awesome to look back and remember what a joy school lunch used to be. The boxes used to be sturdy. You could sit on them on the bus and your Little Debbie snack cake stayed in tact. Now, they are made of cloth, so your peanut butter and jelly sandwich looks like a gordita by the time lunch rolls around. They also used to say a lot about your personality. A funny cartoon lunchbox meant you liked to laugh. A princess/doll one meant you were a girly girl. An action/adventure one meant you were a tough guy wannabe. A brown bag meant Mommy was out late again with her new boyfriend. Today, lunchboxes mean nothing as far as what kind of person you are. They usually mean that Wal-Mart only had Dora the Explorer. Tough luck, son.

I won’t even get started on what I think about what should and what does go into a lunchbox.

*My sister had a Hollie Hobbie lunchbox. My brother had Dukes of Hazzard and Gremlins lunchboxes. I had Snoopy (which could not be located at press time). Curse you Lucy! You win this round!

A Cup of Joe and a Mortgage

I watched as he reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his life's savings, 4 dollars, some change and a lintball. The woman behind the counter handed him a cup. Stepping back into mall traffic, he took a sip. Then, he took another. Pronouncing it too stong, he carelessly tossed it in a trash can. My own brother just threw 4 dollars worth of half caf, half coff and all cup in the trash! My eyes did the huge cartoon jumping out of my head ah-ooooga thing.

I love coffee, but I'm not an "okay, let me withdraw some money, so I can buy a cup" type person. If I'm in the mall, I can think of other, better uses for my 4 dollars and change. I could buy 8 giant peach-shaped gumballs from the machines. I could put a down payment on a t-shirt at Hot Topic that looks like a straight jacket (awesome for teacher workdays). I could buy 4 bottles of water and with some free ketchup and pepper packets from the Food Court Arby's make my special Hobo Virgin Bloody Marys for Sunday brunch. I could buy a Dover Thrift Edition of 'The Vicar at Wakefield' from Border's and still have money left over to buy a kitten bookmark with a tassle. (Nothing says, "see my college education" like a Dover Thrift Edition classic.) I might even get a wacky, 'stick it to the man', clearance bumper sticker at one of those high end teen stores that says, "I Heart Guns 'N Roses".

Now, spending a wad of money at a cute little coffee pagoda with wire chairs and biscotti doesn't sound too tempting, does it? If we pool our money, we can have Hobo Virgin Bloody Marys for a week!

10 Ways to Get Escorted Out of a Nascar Race

10. Your cell phone goes off and the ring tone is not: A.) Dixieland B.) Black Betty C.) Sweet Home Alabama

9. As you pass through the elbow to elbow crowd, you say, "So, who is this Dale Earnhardt I've heard so much about?"

8. You pass through the metal detectors and you are clean. You realize too late that you left your pig sticker at home.

7. At the concession stand you ask, "What the heck is pulled pork?"

6. You are not carrying anything in a Wal-Mart bag.

5. Every time a car wrecks, you fall to your kness, pounding the concrete and screaming, "WHY!? WHY?! Take me instead!"

4. Your Pepsi, Havoline, Kellog's Tide Winnebago wasn't handling too good when it clipped 3 spectators and a barbecue grill.

3. When the speakers get quiet for the national anthem, your voice is heard a little too loudly as you finish your conversation with your seat mate, "So, I told him, no thanks. I don't have any use for front row seats at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert."

2. You accidentally let it slip that you would have voted for Lincoln.

1. You are not showing enough cleavage.

American Gothic, Indeed

This is for anyone who has ever been asked out by someone you are not interested in. These are some positive answers to, "How's about you and me see a movie?" By positive answers I mean, that person won't get his/her feelings hurt and will never trouble you again:

Want to go grab something to eat this Friday?

1. Sure. I think you would make an excellent first husband (wife).

2. Oh, goody! My therapist will be so happy to see that I'm moving on.

3. Wow! You sure are brave, I'll give you that much.

4. Yes, I would. The commune needs a good worker like you. I can't wait to introduce you to Father Moonbeam.

5. You bet. Now, can you spell your name for me. I'll need it for the tattoo artist.