Random Thoughts

Does anyone else hate it when people say periphial vison instead of peripheral or flustrated instead of frustrated? I guess they have Old Timer's disease. Shut it people. Just shut it.

Also, is it me or is Spongebob Squarepants on 24 hours a day? Shouldn't Squidward get equal time somewhere?

The copy machine repairman told me today that he thinks the problem with kids today is that they don't get to beat each other up when they get into an verbal argument. It sounds a bit wacky, but I know I would feel a lot better if I could knock the soup of some wisenheimer that I get into an argument with. "Hey Mr. Give Me The Finger In Traffic, meet my fender!"

Final random thought: Why do people do embarrassing commercials. Yes, I want to draw attention to my incontinence, chin hairs and mental illness. That's bad, but people shilling their kids for bed wetting commercials. I imagine those kids are popular birthday party invites. They are just future incontinet, hairy chinned mental patients.

Catch the 3:10 to Yuma

I have had a kind of long creatively unstimulating week full of craptacular events of nonsignifigance and little remembered snatchets of mundane nonmemories. However, I decided to see 3:10 to Yuma...again. It has taken over the number one slot of my all time favorite movies. Big deal? Maybe, but I really like movies and I have seen a ton of them, so to me it is a big deal. Russell Crowe is just outlandishly great, as expected. He makes you cheer for the bad guy. Christian Bale, well, I just heart Christian Bale. The guy rarely smiles, but he doesn't have to. He can convey any message loud and clear with one raised eyelash. That's right, I said eyelash. That's just how good he is. These two deserve one gigantic Oscar to be shared by them both. Maybe they could just give them one of the novelty statues that decorate the entrance of the Academy awards. They could do a split custody thing. Maybe they could meet every Sunday night at a predetermined location to pass Oscar off. However, the way these guys solve their problems, I imagine the last one standing can keep Oscar in his mansion's game room. I'll definitely see 3:10 to Yuma again and so should you. You don't want to wake up with Mr. Crowe or Mr. Bale cocking a pistol above your head. See 3:10 to Yuma....it's the right thing to do.

Noah Webster Would Be Spinning in His Grave

I guess every family has them, no, I'm not talking about ties to the mafia. I'm talking about their own vocabulary. There are some terms that my family uses that would probably sound like nonsensical blathering to anyone else. Here are a few of them:

Kidnapper's Van: This is the old style A-Team type van with no windows. They are only driven by hippies and kidnappers and some hippie kidnappers.

Daddy's Weekend: This is when you see dads(only)with small children on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. It is usually in sit-down restaurants where the kids are feasting on french fries, pizza, chicken nuggets, rootbeer floats and hot fudge sundaes all at once while dad flirts with the teenaged waitress.

Buffet High: This is when you eat at a low quality all you can eat buffet. You are just thinking about the quantity of food, not the quality. You are so impressed with the amount you eat, that you don't care that each thing tastes like Chef Boyardee scraped it off a Men's room floor with a transient's tube sock.

Hurry Shorts: These are those shorts that every man has. The holey, out of style pair that they pull on when they see car lights coming up the driveway. Don't be embarrassed, all men do it. No one wants a Jehovah's Witness to see them in their heart boxers. They probably would have a tract for that.

Loaf of Bread Hair: This is the haircut that all boys had in their second grade pictures. No use getting re-takes. It's like a curse. This haircut goes back generations. If Pilgrim boys had had school pictures, thy gude man wouldst have succoumbed to loafeth of breade haire.

Monkey Paws: These are the hairs that some wolflike men (and possibly Russian women)have growing down their necks. If you don't shave them, they look like a monkey is climbing out of your shirt. Cute, but not a good way to attract chicks.

This is Me Walking Away

It seems that all my friends keep wanting to set me up with men they know. However, all the men seem short on one simple thing. For each, it might be somethig different, but so far here is a short list of what they are missing:
a job
a clean record
a soul
a personality
a nice ex-wife
a sense of humor
childlessness
a bar of soap
good sense
the ability not to be an alcoholic.
I would keep going but my stomach is getting sick. It makes me wonder, why do they think I would be interested? Is it because I'm 35 and have never been married? Maybe. A while ago, someone I trusted set me up. I usually say no, but this guy sounded okay. He ended up being cheap, embarrassing, and we had nothing in common. He had told me his friend went on a blind date once and it didn't work out, so he took her home early. Guess what time I got home that night? 9:00. That's early even to a preschooler. On the upside, I was home in time to watch Psych.
You begin to look at yourself, though, not because you aren't married, but because you wonder why people want you to date Joey McKnucklehead.

Bottom line: People need to mind their own beeswax and quit trying to start their own dating service. It ends up being more like mismatch.com

People Who Will Be In Hell

*People who cut their fingers and then suck the blood off.
*Adults who collect Teddy Bears.
*People who borrow things and then don't return them.
*Smart-alecks who forgo a fork and use chopsticks in Chinese restaurants.
*People who eat ketchup on eggs.

*Oh, and the usual cast of characters:
*PE Teachers
*Serial Killers
*Vampires
*Nazis
*Cheerleaders

Yee Haw! Ride 'Em Cowmonkey!

I saw 3:10 to Yuma this weekend. It was amazing! I love Westerns and if I had 3 wishes, the second one would be that Hollywood would make more westerns. MORE westerns, I say!
Here are some things I have learned from watching westerns:
*No one sets a cowboy hat better than Mr. Kevin Costner.
*The only way you could get me on a stagecoach would be to tie my cold dead body to the top. Ironically, that’s the way most movie stagecoach rides end.
*The Pinkertons couldn’t catch a cold, despite the fact that they were paid 18 dollars a day (it should have been Confederate dollars).
*No matter if your name is Dirty Ken, Buffalo Bob, Buckshot Willie or Alabama Steve, you are going to die before the age of 30. The tougher you were the less you lived.
*The Jew’s harp was the western bagpipe.
*There were only 2 jobs for women: school marm and saloon gal. They paid about the same and saloon gals had more respect.
*Organic food doesn’t make you live longer. The average life expectancy in 1880 for men was age 45 and women age 49. They didn’t have pesticides on their potatoes. We live to be 80 and there is no reasonable explanation of what goes in a fast food French fry.
*They wore long sleeve shirts all year long. They rarely bathed and had no deodorant. Sometimes, on a cool summer evening, I think I can still smell them.

50th Post!!!!

Yee-haw! I made it to my 50th post AND it only took me three months. I would just like to say to all of the people who thought I couldn't do it, I did it! I can't believe I actually had 49 things to talk about.

Now, I would just like to ask a question, is it me or do all of Duran Duran's songs sound the same? I don't remember thinking that when I was jamming to Hungry Like the Wolf with my huge pilotesque TWA headphones plugged into the stereo (that had an 8-track player). I heard Duran Duran is reuniting and they played snippets of some of their hits. Think about it: Rio, Hungry Like the Wolf, Union of the Snake, New Moon on Monday and The Reflex. IT'S THE SAME BLOODY SONG! Well, you win this round, Simon LeBon! So what that I still download your music for my iPod. That doesn't mean I buy into your 80's pop whodoo.

Things I Kind of Love

*Frosting: Nature's perfect topping.

*Germ-X: It's the reason I'm still alive today. I should have died of boogermonia years ago.

*Seeing a movie for the first time: It's especially great if someone hasn't ruined the ending. Someone told me how the Sixth Sense ended before I saw it. After I saw it, I realized seeing it was totally pointless after you knew how it ended. Spoiler Alert: The Willis is a ghost!

*Monkeys: I would love to have a monkey son. I need someone/thing to hang my hopes and dreams on. Someone/thing to carry on my legacy. Besides, who else is going to get my rubber stamp collection when I pass on.

*Sleeping late: I've been thinking about getting a job where I can stay up late and sleep late. I figure the only two options are working in a school for nocturnal children or becoming a vampire.

*The smell of bbq: If you could only bottle that smell...Darn you KC Masterpiece! Darn you all to heck for beating me to the punch!

*Sharpies: I write with Sharpies like most people write with ink pens. I love writing out loud. I'm all about writing out loud. NOW HEAR THIS WORLD, I NEED TO CALL MY ACCOUNTANT BEFORE 3:00!!

*Drinking Straws: Aren't they awesome? Instead of having to pick up my glass, I can just bend my head over. It cuts my drinking time in half.

*Candy: As a kid, candy was as free flowing as lip gloss in a middle school. We had it all the time. Holidays were awash with it. I had so much that I had to eat it fast before it turned sticky, white or my brother found it. As an adult, I can appreciate candy. I actually taste it, now. Did you know there are peanuts in a Payday?

Things I Kind of Hate

*Watermelon, watermelon flavored anything, anything that smells like watermelon. I’m even iffy on watermelon farmers.

*Stale bread: I’d never make it in debtor’s prison.

*PE teachers: They all have the evil gene just as Hitler did before them. Imagine Hitler’s PE teacher.

*The word chipotle: How the heck do you pronounce, what the heck is it AND who the heck discovered it?? Was it Jerry Chipoltle?

*Hot soda: I do, however, like cold coffee. I don’t get me, either.

* Icy roads: Who does like them? No one I know, except Ice Road Truckers on the History channel.

*Mondays: I’m totally turning into Garfield.

*Shopping alone: What if I can’t decide which color of Post-it notes to buy? I need some confirmation here!

* Blue juice: I can’t bear the thought of drinking it. It looks like windshield wiper fluid.

*When people say, "You look nice today." Maybe I'm overthinking it, but what does that say about how I looked yesterday or last Thursday?

Cover Monkey

Here are the choices. Which Sock Monkey best portrays the "Hang in There" image:

Hangin' In There

Sad news to report, sports fans. The 'Hang in There Kitty' couldn't hang in there any longer. She will be buried in a shoebox 'neath the old willow tree. Graveside services will be conducted at a later date. Sock Monkey has stepped up to volunteer as the new face of perserverance. After a preliminary photo shoot this weekend, Sock Monkey was asked for a quote about his new role as the tenacity ambassador. He said, "Hang in there!" Truer words have never been spoken, SM.
The rumor mill had Sock Monkey updating his slogan to two possibles: "Keep it real" or "Don't wig out". However, he has decided, in memory of the Kitty, to conserve her famous quote. Look for updated posters to appear in office cubicles and school counseling offices across America. Hang in there, indeed!