Ending Credits

Have you ever noticed that at the end of movies the credits always contain people you didn’t really notice in the movie? They were people who didn’t need to be identified by a name, but instead were given some description ex: Man in Subway or Woman with Dog.

If I ever get that movie made about my life, like Braveheart did, I was thinking about some of the minor characters I have come across in life and what their title description would be at the end of my movie. Here are a few. These are all real people and there is a story about each one, if anyone is interested. I made up the names at the end because, honestly, what difference does it make?

Gas Station Hippie…….Berkeley Chevron
Biker With Spider Eye Tattoo……Harvey Davidson
Man Who Asks Randi to Go With Him on His Tour Bus……Ralph Kramdun
Neighbor Who Stole Chainsaw……Billy Don Sourwood
Married Man Who Kissed On Church Steps……Jake Deacon
Woman Who Sold Moldy Birthday Cake……Betty Cricket
Wiccaan Who Cheated With Randi's Boyfriend….Margaret Hamilton
Student Who Offered Randi Used Lottery Ticket…Jimmy Cash
Trick or Treaters Who Came As Themselves….Suzie Kramdun
…..Juan Kramdun
….Jeff Kramdun
……Benito Kramdun
Junior High Boy Peeing on Gym Wall…..Billy Ocean
Kindergartner Who Gave Finger……Lucky Hanson
Female Friend Who Quit Shaving Legs……Luna Harrison
Friend Whose father Owned Chop Shop…… Anita Ford
Boy Who Stole Cherries From Fruit Cocktail…..Bugs Meanie
Angry Waitress Who Served Raw Chicken….Sally Manilla
Choir Teacher Hit in Head By Volleyball……Darnell Bach

I Dream of Televison City

I was just thinking about a city...a city centered around TV..... It makes me wonder….what would it be like to live in Television City?

A magical city that was designed by Mike Brady. Mayor Boss Hogg, is good when the Duke boys are out of town. Governor Gatling and his right-hand man, Benson, make us happy we voted them in to run the state.

The citizens sleep well at night with Sheriff Lobo keeping the county roads safe from ne’er do well monkey encumbered truck drivers. The police force includes Poncherello, Hunter, McCloud, Starsky and Hutch. However, when another set of spying eyes are necessary, they call in Magnum, Rockford and the brothers Simon. They all keep an eye on the villainous J.R. Ewing, who runs the town with an iron fist. No one is sure, but they suspect that he has the help of a genie. But his worst nightmare is a band of four Vietnam vets and a plucky news reporter that travel around in a black and red van dispensing their own form of justice.

When necessary, the hospital, St. Elsewhere is stocked with the best doctors available, Trapper John, Marcus Welby and Doogie Howser. Although, sometimes a fight breaks out over who should make the first incision. When something goes awry, they send the stiff to Quincy.

Bruce Banner keeps the litmus paper on hand and his temper in check at the downtown lab.

People never go hungry in Television City. If you want a hamburger, Arnold’s is the place to go. The local greasy spoon is Mel’s Diner, but the classier set of “friends” gather at Central Perk to chat over coffee.
Sometimes, the local band, The Partridge Family entertains.

For other forms of entertainment, you can’t go wrong by turning your radio dial to WKRP to check out the Dr. Frasier Crane show or catching a rerun of the Alan Brady Show on TV.

Education is also a top priority. Serious Miss Crump watches over Opie and his pals at the elementary school while Mr. Kotter makes sure all of his students graduate with life skills, bell bottoms and a treasury of jokes. When they finish school, all students can work in the local Jefferson’s Dry Cleaners or join the Star Fleet Academy and serve on the U.S.S. Enterprise.

The local church boasts the only flying nun in the world and Aunt Bea’s delicious apple pie at every church social.

If you need a place to live, see the local building super, Schneider. Maybe you’ll get apartment 227.
Howard Cunningham also has your tools to help fix up the place. When that doesn’t cut it, call local handyman, MacGyver. He can seal, drill or blow something up with a paper clip, baseball card and peroxide that he gets at Sanford and Son’s junkyard.

Looking for a ride? Call Alex or Latka for a taxi or if you need public transportation, wait at the bus stop for Ralph Kramden.

Every town has the creepy old house that scares the kids, not Television City. It has two, the old Addams Family place and the Munster Mansion on Mockingbird Lane. Of course there is the local creepy guy, Mister Rogers, who welcomes everyone to the neighborhood with his brand of rhymes.

Do cultures, hairstyles and even eras collide in Television City? Yes, they do! Of course they do! However, as the great Hannibal once said, “I love it when a plan comes together!”

So, as Captain Stubing waits on the dock at the local marina, I think I hear him calling, “Come aboard, we’re expecting you!”

So long my hometown! I’m moving to Television City! Population: ME! Hee Haw!

Quantum Leap Backwards

Reasons why I fear what the future may hold......

1. The Pussycat Dolls song “Don’t Cha” will be playing on the muzack in elevators.

2. Doubleknit has to come back sometime.

3. Die Hard 18: This time he really dies.

4. Apple will get involved in the medical industry by unveiling the ipacemaker. It keeps your heart rhythm going with a built in mp3 player.

5. The Jetsons are upon us. General Mills Cereal Pills. No longer will children know the feeling of a sugar rush from eating too many bowls of breakfast cereal.

6. Education will finally go too far by watering down the curriculum with the Little Golden Book of Algebra.

7. Whole generations will miss out on the comedy stylings of Martin Short.

8. Bananas will become a luxury only the rich can afford, when the Council of Apes enacts the banana tax.

9. People will be tired of reality TV and made for TV movies will come back with a vengeance. Tim Matheson, Valerie Bertinelli, and Bruce Boxleitner’s great grandchildren will keep the family tradition alive on the Lifetime network.

10. Two words: President Timberlake

Haunted by the Pioneering Spirit

Most of my friends know how much I love The Little House on the Prairie books. I won’t even gloss over my disdain for the quote, TV show, end quote. Melissa Gilbert, you were not worthy to work the hook to button the REAL Laura Ingalls Wilder’s shoes. And, Almanzo, indeed! With that hippie haircut. The REAL Almanzo wouldn’t be caught dead outside the Dry Good’s Store with that hair. Dean Butler, I dance on the grave of your career! Isn’t this a good idea for a TV show? We’ll take a great series of wonderful stories, wring the marrow from each character and add our own PC stories. Make Mary get married to a fellow blind person….never happened….adopt a kid named Albert who likes to ride the white pony….never happened…..live next to former football star and flower salesman Merlin Olson…..also, never happened.

Recently, my mother, sister and I went to the last home where Laura lived. I have been there several times, but I like to go back every few years (like anything is going to change). I realized when I was there that being a tour guide for the place would be an excellent day job for me. Note I say “day job”. I have read the books she wrote and all number of reference books over and over, so I think I could talk the talk. It would just be awesome to poke in and out of the root cellar and the upstairs. Maybe I’d find a jar of tomato preserves to eat on hard tack for my trip home from work.

If they would hire me, I would make the tour my own. As we were walking through, I’d call attention to the manuscript for Farmer Boy. While pointing to it, I’d suddenly remember I needed to buy Q-tips. Pulling a sheet from the manuscript, I’d scrawl a reminder note on the back of the page. Hearing all the air sucked out of the room, I’d glance up and say, “Oh, I’m going to put it back.”

Then, we would head to another room where I would discuss how thirsty I am and how unfair it is that no drinks or food are allowed on the tour. Looking around the room, I would thirstily spy a kerosene lantern. Taking it from the nail, I would take the globe off and drain it dry. As kerosene (apple juice) ran down my chin, I’d say, “Oh, sorry, did anyone else want some?”

Heading to the final leg of the tour, I would point to all the things Almanzo made. Grabbing a homemade walking stick from his cache, I’d limp around the room, using it as a crutch, giggling and squealing, “Hey, look at me, everybody, I’m Alamanzo!”

I call it a day job because that’s about how long it would last. But, oh, the memories.

Sock Monkey: A Life in Retrospectus

The first picture is Sock Monkey in the third grade. Already, we see greatness in him, despite the dreadful meatloaf hair.

The second picture is of Sock Monkey and his first wife, Sheila. They met at The Purple Cow, a sleezy juice bar. This was at the climax of Sock Monkey's career as the front man for The Great Apes.

The third picture is of Sock Monkey and his band's first and only album, Cereal Killers.

The fourth picture is of Sock Monkey and his second wife, Elaine. They met through mutual friends. Sadly, it didn't work out for them, either. You can see the unhappiness is Elaine's furrowed brow.

The last picture is of Sock Monkey and his pride and joy, his son, David Lee.

Movie Magic??

I went to see the 5th installment of that movie the kids are all talking about, Harry Potter and the Wizard of Id, or something or other, I forget. Anyway, I never cared about seeing the movies and then when I saw the first one, it was like that little punk wizard had cast some sort of creepy spell on me. I loved them! Prisoner of Azkaban? Tell me more, Harry Potter!

So, I went to a preview before the preview. I couldn't bear to go to the one with all of those middle aged people running around with witches hats and the kids carrying stuffed owls under their arms and waving Fisher Price magic wands around trying to do the Expectum Patronus spell on the wide-eyed pimpley faced kid behind the candy counter. Evidently, Clearisil has the counter-spell. I didn't want to have to wade through them with their stares and whispers of, "She's a muggle," I am a muggle and I'm proud of it, okay. I've come to terms. It has been a long road full of attempts at purchasing black market wolfbane, only to have it blow up in my face, literally. I can't talk about it anymore....I have to go paint a lightning scar on my forehead, I'm going to Wal-Mart...

Should You Have Children?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, please do not procreate...

1. Are you planning to name your unborn child after liquor (i.e., Takeela, Jack Daniel, Bud...)?

2. Does the spelling of your unborn child's name require asteriks, question marks, or the pound sign?

3. Do you plan to take your child to McDonalds at 3 AM because he kicked and screamed for french fries until the neighbors called the cops?

4. Do you plan to allow your child to pack his own lunch that consists of a thermos of Vodka and lottery tickets?

5. Do you plan to allow your child, not only to watch horror movies, but to walk into the movie rental store and rent them for you while you sit in your primer laden car listening to a Styxx cassette tape?