Staff Infection

I know all workplaces have them. It's like there is a checklist in the main office:

Know-it-all: position filled
Smart Aleck: position filled
Control Freak: position filled
Copy Cat: position filled
Office Bimbo: position filled
Pervert: position filled
Suck-Up: position filed
Normal person: position open

Know-it-alls: Turns out, thy usually make up half the crap they spew. Throw in a few, "Well, the History Channel said" or "Webster's dictionary defines" and Cliff Clavin is re-born.

Smart Alecks: The big mouthed, 'everybody look at me. 'cause I'm the cutest' always ends up sitting at the table I am sitting at, thus acting as a magnet and drawing all the attention to our area of the room. Usually, this tends to be an overweight, acutely uncute person with zero sense of humor and even less friends.

Control Freaks: This person is always my cross to bear. I am laid back and I always get teamed with the 'well, that's not how I do it' bozo. If we did everything your way, we might as well change the name of the school to XXXX Elementary School. I'd rather name the library after you, The XXXX 'Memorial' Library.

Copy Cats: Thief!!! Somebody stoled my idea. I can't stand copycats. How do these people decide what to eat for breakfast? Come to think of it, the office copycat asked me for half my Pop Tart this morning. AS if! I wouldn't give half my Pop Tart to Christian Bale! I would give him my hand in marriage, though.

Office Bimbos: These are the ones with streaming video of their constantly changing boyfriends on their cell phones. The Fed-Ex guy ALWAYS knows their name and if you look quickly enough, you might see his picture on the cell phone.

Perverts: This is the creepy guy who keeps checking you out. He always has some intensely odd reason to stop you and usually has a grin on his face the whole time.
"There she is. Hey, do you eat Oat Bran? I clipped a coupon for you. It was in Voyeaur Today."
"Uh, thanks"
"You look like a gal who eats Oat Bran." Scanning up and down.
"Uh, I have to uh, go. My hamster died and I have to buy a pair of shoes, so I'll uh, have a box to bury him in."
"Sure, no problem. You look great for someone who lost a hamster. You are holding up well. Hey, don't forget your coupon."

Suck-Ups: This person is always three steps behind the boss, always knows the boss' kid's best friend's birthdays and can drop names like Wile E. Coyote drops anvils. You don't have to worry about this person too much. When the boss goes, this person usually goes, too. But, oddly enough, never to the same workplace.

Normal Person: I hope against hope that this is me.

Sock Monkey Yard Sale

One weekend only (only) at the local Civic Center (Center) Sock Monkey (Monkey) is having a yard sale (sale). Everything must go (go). If you miss this opportunity (tunity), you better be dead (dead) or you'll wish you were (were)!

Items for sale:

A dozen Faberge eggs.
A working Ferris Wheel.
A Pocket Fisherman.
An 8-track of Mac Davis' Greatest Hits.
A deck of Sea Monkey playing cards.
A set of Laverne and Shirley drinking glasses minus Squiggy.
"Best" half of best friend necklace.
Box of "Happy Bar mitzvah Marty" balloons.
5 gallons of Harvest Gold latex paint.
A gently used pair of plastic vampire teeth.
A 6 inch cubic zirconium "S" initial necklace.
A Gutenberg Bible.
A weight bench (never used).
A ream of "From the Desk of Sock Monkey" stationary.
An authentic "Woodstock" t-shirt.
An authentic "Snoopy" t-shirt.
An assortment of Tupperware lids.

The Day After

I don't know about anyone else, but I am NOT participating in "Bring Your Caveman to Work" again next year. He started fires with my pencils, drank my liquid paper and then threw up in my bottom desk drawer. I had two words at 6:00 AM this morning: SICK DAY!
It will all blow over by tomorrow. My Caveman will have forgotten how to find my workplace by then.

By the way, you can completely forget about my participation in "Bring Your Viking to Church" this Sunday.

Thog No Werk Heer

Monday is Bring Your Caveman to Work Day!

Here are a few simple rules to help your day go smoothly.

*Take some air freshener along for the carpool ride to and from work. Please be discreet, Thog have feelings, too.

*Remember to put your Caveman's lunch into the refrigerator immediately. Raw meat spoils quickly in even the most air-conditioned of offices.

*It's best to make sure clubs are left at home. You don't need a sexual harassment suit pending because your Caveman drug Sally from personnel into your cubicle.

*Try to keep your Caveman away from the copy machine. All it takes is one photocopy of a hand to set your Caveman back a million years.

*If your Caveman gets bored, let him string paper clips together. He'll think he's helping and you'll be able to finish your report. It has something to do with the missing link theory.

*Bring your own bottled water so you can avoid the water cooler. The normal talk around it about what happened on "Heroes" will be replaced by a non-stop conversation of "Ugh"s.

*It's okay to ask your Caveman for advice. Remember, he discovered the wheel.

Are You Smarter Than a Sock Monkey?

How did the Archduke Ferdinand like his eggs?

The first correct post wins a coupon for a free library book check-out at the library of Sock Monkey's choice.

Rocking in the Real World

Why elementary school is not like the real world.....

*In elementary school, the teacher takes the rubber snake away from Billy and makes him share with Sally. In the real world, the boss doesn't care who is right, the raise or business trip goes to the whiniest baby that spends all of his/her time sucking up.

*In elementary school, the playground bully usually grows up to be the loser town drunk. In real life, the office bully ends up being the office manager, then district manager and then Lord Tsar Admiral High Supreme Ruler of All Land East and West of the Mississip, esquire.

*In elementary school, you can buy cool school supplies with your favorite movie or cartoon characters on them. In real life, you look like a darn fool if you try to sign a contract with a pink Hello Kitty highlighter and co-workers just can't respect those Spongebob file folders.

*In elementary school, a sticker from the teacher makes everything better. In the real world, it takes a 3-day weekend and a dumptruck full of Cheetos to make the world seem right again.

*In elementary school, you get a free ride to and from school every day. In real life, the only thing free about the carpool is the cigarette smoke and the Tim McGraw song that keeps getting stuck in your head.

*In elementary school, you can bring a seashell to school for show and tell. In the real world, if you bring something cool to show everyone, it gets stolen during your first coffee break and ends up on eBay for 1.99.

*In elementary school, you get a hot lunch everyday. In the real world, you get a hot tuna salad sandwich because the workroom fridge is on the fritz...again.

*In elementary school, you fake sick and your mom buys it. In the real world, you go into work leaning on your IV pole and no one even looks up.

People Who Should Not Have Tattoos

1.) Mothers: Aw, hearken back to those early mornings when mom pulled your steaming hot strawberry pop tart out of the toaster, burned her finger and then turned the air blue with her swearing. Your last sight as you got on the school bus was mom's tattooed arm waving goodbye as she lights a new GPC cigarette from her old one.

2.) Pasty People: Nothing looks more gross in flourescent lighting than a bright green tatt on a cavefish.

3.) Indecisive People: If you are not absolutely 100 percent without a doubt positive that that is the person you are going to be buried next to, don't have their name written in ink on your arm.

4.) People Who Can't Afford Them: These are the people who try to make their own (A.K.A. prison tattoos). Newsflash, you can tell they are homemade. If the poor art work and the misspelled words didn't give it away, the time spent in the hospital for infection did.

5.) People Who Wrinkle: I haven't seen a lot of really old people with tattoos. Then again, I haven't been to Hell. I imagine it would be something like that.