Summer of My Discontent

Once more a summer has slipped by and I hardly got anything from my To Do List completed. I didn’t drink one mint julep while sitting on the veranda. I didn’t take one stroll in the gardens. I didn’t pick one lemon to make a pitcher of ice cold lemonade.

Here is a partial list of other things that I didn’t do:

I didn’t make it to the Ring Around the Rosey Tournament in Violet Valley, Vermont. I had been practicing all spring. The winner is crowned with a ring of daisies and given a one way ticket back to reality.

I didn’t get to unveil my new line of Dickensian cat clothes called “Tails for Two Kitties”. Too many licensing issues. Now, I’m working on switching it to Dickensian clothes for earthworms. That line will be called “Bait Expectations”.

I haven’t had time to record my new answering machine message that says, “Hi. How did you find me? I’m not home because I’m in the witness protection program. Oh, no, someone’s coming. You’ve led them to me” ……click. Maybe I can do that on Christmas break.

I didn’t get to go to one backyard barbecue. That means no mosquito bites. No West Nile Virus. And another year of work. Pooey!

I didn’t get to guest star on any late night talk shows. Probably because I didn’t write a book, star in a movie, sing a hit song or win the Ring Around the Rosey Tournament. There is always next year, Conan O’Brien AND Missy Von Sturdevant!! That daisy crown is mine!!!

Summer wishes………

Sock Monkey Sings.....

Sock Monkey writes the songs that make the whole world think.
…. Berry Cantaloupe

In this long awaited collection, Sock Monkey brings back the songs of our childhood. Revising the traditional lyrics for a hipper audience, Sock Money ensures that each song will be remembered for a long time to come. Each track has been re-mixed for a bluesy sound that your kids will be humming around the milk cooler for days.

Sock Monkey Sings…contains the following songs:

Mary had a little scam
Little scam
Little scam
Mary had a little scam
She fleeced the elderly

Twinkle twinkle little bar
How I wonder where you are
I’m so drunk I can’t recall
That you are out by the mall
Twinkle twinkle little bar
I’m lost driving in my car

The farmer in the cell
The farmer in the cell
He stole another stereo
The farmer in the cell

The deals on the bus go down, down, down
down, down, down
down, down, down
The deals on the bus go down, down, down
All over town

Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Attorney and bail bondsman by his side Uh-huh

*Sock Monkey does not condone stealing, drinking or scamming the elderly. This is merely his political commentary on society. Peace out, Monkey fans.

Plan B Movie

So, I'm still thinking how cool it would be to have a movie made about my life. Obviously, I haven't done anything to merit it....yet. However, there are a couple of routes I could take.

1.) The Victim. I don't really see myself in the whole "cut down in the prime of her life" role, though. I don't want to have to have my family having to seek justice or anything. Also, I would like to live to see the premiere. I don't look good in blood, either.

2.) Whistle Blower. I am not really cut out to be Erin Brockovitch. What am I going to do? Bring down the plastic baggie industry because kid's sandwich bags aren't sealing in freshness or maybe the glue stick conglomerates beacuse the fumes are dropping kids like cops in the beginning credits of Quincy. I did have an aide go to sleep in my classroom floor once, but that's another story.

So, what's left? Maybe a wacky comedy of errors? If it makes it to theatres (which I sincerely doubt) I'm lobbying for Renee Zellwegger to play me. However, I'll probably have to settle on that girl who played the desk clerk in episode 67 of Barettta. She needs the money to buy a pride jazzi wheelchair.

Who do you want to play you?

School Supply Lists Are For Chumps

As much as I try to will it to remain July forever, August is coming. I used to dread September, but then they moved the first day of school up to mid-August. Evidently, September winds weren’t broasting the skin off of enough grade schoolers, so they moved it up to August slash purgatory. With the beginning of school come school supplies. When I was a kid, it was a big deal. You got crayons, 2 pencils, scissors and glue. Anything else was gravy. If you were lucky, your mom would buy a Trapper Keeper in your choice of colors: red or blue. Nowadays, teachers require everything from 2 kinds of crayons and glue to camera film and sandwich baggies. I don’t, but I imagine a lot of these teachers are slipping items from their personal grocery lists on the school supply sheets.
“Okay, Mom, we got crayons. Now, we need cat food, toothpaste, some menthol Marlboro's and a Woman’s Day magazine.”

School supplies have also gotten increasingly crappy in our Dollar General world. We used to have compasses that you could shish-ka-bob stuff on. If some kid ticked you off at lunch, you could use the compass to shank him. When you entered math class, you would wipe the blood on your jeans and finish your math homework. Somehow, life seemed simpler then. Now, they have plastic compasses. As if they are assuming every kid in the world is in special education geometry class.

What has happened to lunchboxes? My good friend recently gave me a cool book for my birthday with vintage lunchboxes in it. It is awesome to look back and remember what a joy school lunch used to be. The boxes used to be sturdy. You could sit on them on the bus and your Little Debbie snack cake stayed in tact. Now, they are made of cloth, so your peanut butter and jelly sandwich looks like a gordita by the time lunch rolls around. They also used to say a lot about your personality. A funny cartoon lunchbox meant you liked to laugh. A princess/doll one meant you were a girly girl. An action/adventure one meant you were a tough guy wannabe. A brown bag meant Mommy was out late again with her new boyfriend. Today, lunchboxes mean nothing as far as what kind of person you are. They usually mean that Wal-Mart only had Dora the Explorer. Tough luck, son.

I won’t even get started on what I think about what should and what does go into a lunchbox.

*My sister had a Hollie Hobbie lunchbox. My brother had Dukes of Hazzard and Gremlins lunchboxes. I had Snoopy (which could not be located at press time). Curse you Lucy! You win this round!

A Cup of Joe and a Mortgage

I watched as he reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his life's savings, 4 dollars, some change and a lintball. The woman behind the counter handed him a cup. Stepping back into mall traffic, he took a sip. Then, he took another. Pronouncing it too stong, he carelessly tossed it in a trash can. My own brother just threw 4 dollars worth of half caf, half coff and all cup in the trash! My eyes did the huge cartoon jumping out of my head ah-ooooga thing.

I love coffee, but I'm not an "okay, let me withdraw some money, so I can buy a cup" type person. If I'm in the mall, I can think of other, better uses for my 4 dollars and change. I could buy 8 giant peach-shaped gumballs from the machines. I could put a down payment on a t-shirt at Hot Topic that looks like a straight jacket (awesome for teacher workdays). I could buy 4 bottles of water and with some free ketchup and pepper packets from the Food Court Arby's make my special Hobo Virgin Bloody Marys for Sunday brunch. I could buy a Dover Thrift Edition of 'The Vicar at Wakefield' from Border's and still have money left over to buy a kitten bookmark with a tassle. (Nothing says, "see my college education" like a Dover Thrift Edition classic.) I might even get a wacky, 'stick it to the man', clearance bumper sticker at one of those high end teen stores that says, "I Heart Guns 'N Roses".

Now, spending a wad of money at a cute little coffee pagoda with wire chairs and biscotti doesn't sound too tempting, does it? If we pool our money, we can have Hobo Virgin Bloody Marys for a week!

10 Ways to Get Escorted Out of a Nascar Race

10. Your cell phone goes off and the ring tone is not: A.) Dixieland B.) Black Betty C.) Sweet Home Alabama

9. As you pass through the elbow to elbow crowd, you say, "So, who is this Dale Earnhardt I've heard so much about?"

8. You pass through the metal detectors and you are clean. You realize too late that you left your pig sticker at home.

7. At the concession stand you ask, "What the heck is pulled pork?"

6. You are not carrying anything in a Wal-Mart bag.

5. Every time a car wrecks, you fall to your kness, pounding the concrete and screaming, "WHY!? WHY?! Take me instead!"

4. Your Pepsi, Havoline, Kellog's Tide Winnebago wasn't handling too good when it clipped 3 spectators and a barbecue grill.

3. When the speakers get quiet for the national anthem, your voice is heard a little too loudly as you finish your conversation with your seat mate, "So, I told him, no thanks. I don't have any use for front row seats at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert."

2. You accidentally let it slip that you would have voted for Lincoln.

1. You are not showing enough cleavage.

American Gothic, Indeed

This is for anyone who has ever been asked out by someone you are not interested in. These are some positive answers to, "How's about you and me see a movie?" By positive answers I mean, that person won't get his/her feelings hurt and will never trouble you again:

Want to go grab something to eat this Friday?

1. Sure. I think you would make an excellent first husband (wife).

2. Oh, goody! My therapist will be so happy to see that I'm moving on.

3. Wow! You sure are brave, I'll give you that much.

4. Yes, I would. The commune needs a good worker like you. I can't wait to introduce you to Father Moonbeam.

5. You bet. Now, can you spell your name for me. I'll need it for the tattoo artist.

Don't Cry, Sock Monkey

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. I just found out that The Upside Down Show hasn't been renewed for next season. It is a Noggin show that my niece watched and I happened to see part of one episode. I was hooked. It is so clever and funny. My niece has begun to show a real imaginiation. She plays with an imaginary ball while walking through Wal-Mart. I just hope she stops that before he's 25.

The two guys who do it are Shane and David (they are the Umbilical Brothers comedy duo). I think the charm of the show is that they aren't talking down to kids. I HATE when people talk down to kids. That's why we have so many cry babies in the world. A kid's show that is equally geared to adults is long overdue. They have made references to Pink Floyd, a bird who sounds like Paul McCartney, Happy Gilmore, Benny and Joon, and my favorite: Mini-golf episode: Shane and David present a barrage of mini items to the viewer, including Minnie Mouse, Minnie Driver, a miniskirt, Minnie Minor, Mini Major, Minnie the Moocher, and Mini Ha-Ha.

I am starting to think I am cursed. Every show I like gets cancelled or just ends. Jericho was cancelled (it's coming back for a limited run, but don't get attached). Digging for the Truth is going off. Josh is going to the Discovery channel. His next project is about weather. Oh, yay. I don't even watch the 5 minute weather forecast on the local news. There are other examples, I'm just too distraught to think about it. I hope whoever has my TV bugged doesn't realize how much I like Frasier.

Farewell Shane, David, Puppet, Shmuzzies. It was a great run. Good on you, you Aussie wonders! Thanks for giving kids some dignity, if only for a few months.

An Educational Discussion About Why Pirates Are And Have Always been Cool.

Everywhere you look there is tons of pirate stuff for sale. I went to a party store and it was like a jamboree of pirate merchandise. I bought a bunch of cool stuff to decorate my classroom. It occurs to me though, that B.P.C (before Pirates of the Carribean) you felt like you were discovering a real treasure if you found something that had a treasure chest on it and anything with a skull and crossbones was either ammonia or cult gear. After, P.C., pirate stuff has become cool.

That gripes me because pirates have always been cool! I'm not some Jenny come lately to this. I have loved pirates for years and years. Okay, scoffers, why are pirates cool? Here is a breakdown:

*They often had descriptive adjectives in their names."Red Devil" Turbeville (he sounds like a charmer), Blackbeard (devil with the ladies), Calico Jack (pioneer pirate??) How many people do you know that have adjectives attached to their names. They should, but they don't. Dirty Stinkin' Bob, Ugly Slack-Jawed Steve, Fat Trashy Betty. There would just be too many tears involved in a world like that.

*Blackbeard took 5 gunshots and 20 stab wounds before he died. He was still reloading and fighting after having been shot and stabbed numerous times. Most sissy britches today get dizzy when they get a paper cut. The only man who could survive 25 wounds is Diehard and he's not real. Let's keep that quiet because I think a lot of people don't realize that.

*How many people could rob someone with only one eye? If you figure in depth perception and all, that is a pretty impressive feat. One-eyed pirates may have had to have taken several swipes at a lady's necklace, but when his other hand was holding a cutlass, I think she would have been patient.

*Who else could think up such innovative punishments? Keel hauling: Disgusting, but very creative. Marooning: efficient, low-cost and pretty effective. Marooned pirates had a lot of time to think about their rogueish actions. It was like an intense time-out.

Cap'n Sock Monkey says, "If ye don't like pirates, ye can dance the hempen jig!"
*Despite what you may think, that has nothing to do with hippies.

Sport Billy Opening

Here it is folks....in all it's Saturday morning preachiness!

Kidd Video Opening Song

The cool guy, the cool girl, the nerd guy, the nerdier guy. It's all there!

From My Video to My Radio

Grab a bowl of Sugar Crusty Sweety-O’s Cereal and think back……Four Saturday morning TV shows made a big impact on my childhood. It’s crazy because I watched a plethora of television as a child, you would think I had more vivid memories, but my most vivid are from these shows. Two are good memories and two are bad.

Awesomeville
Kidd Video: 1984-1987
This cartoon/live action show was right up a pre-teen kid’s alley. I loved this show! It began with opening credits of a real band that got sucked in a cartoon world called “The Flipside”. They definitely saved the best for last because it ended with a sweet sweet candy coated video nearly worthy of Friday Night Videos Lite. Plus, Kidd Video was pretty easy on the eyes.

Friday Night Videos: 1983-2000
This was a Friday night staple at my house. You were Sally Lunchbox all week and then on Friday Night it was time to let loose and get down with the sweet sounds of Jermaine Jackson’s ‘Dyanmite’. I watched Prince’s ‘When Doves Cry’ so many times, I wanted to cry. I saw so many cultural and clothing changes in that time, it was amazing. Twisted Sister. Enough said.

Honorable Mention: Land of the Lost: 1974-1977
I saw these in reruns. They put them on on Saturday morning and I think I came in on the middle somewhere, but it didn’t matter. It was super great fun.

Losertown
Sport Billy: 1982-1983
Every Saturday, my mom bought us frozen pizzas for lunch. However, the ill-timed Sport Billy was on at lunch time and I found it difficult to swallow my pepperoni bounty while the TV was on. In my house, the TV was never off, except to rest while we slept. Sport Billy was about a magic kid from the planet Olympus who fought evil with sports. I think a teacher had seized control of the TV station while the programmers were at lunch and showed a school movie. This was definitely a show for nerdlings. Teamwork, cooperation…it flew in the face of true entertainment and every thing my generation had come to expect on Saturday morning.

30 Minutes: 1978-1982
This was a hard hitting documentary show for kids. Obviously they thought we couldn’t handle a whole 60 minutes and after what I saw on an episode, I tend to agree with them. This show should have been safely tucked away in the “I don’t remember that schlock” file, except for one episode. It was about a teenager that was stabbed on the street. It was so real and so bloody that it stayed with me the rest of the day and I still remember it rather vividly. Anything produced by 60 minutes should definitely not be on after cartoons. “Let’s wait until after Kissyfur goes off and then show how that drug deal went bad.”

Honorable Mention: Smurfs: 1981-1990
This was the dumbest show in the history of forever. Nothing can ever be thought of to top it in pure ignorance. What was the show about anyway? Propaganda of some sort that was fed to us like an aspirin crushed up with sugar? It didn’t matter, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve heard it’s going to be a movie. It’s definitely time to go underground.

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Yardstick

Detention:
“What are you in for?”
“Not getting my lines straight because I broke my ruler beatin‘ a guy to death.”

I had an English teacher (Mrs P) when I was in the 8th grade that was so old school. How old school was she? She wore doubleknit slacks and nurse’s shoes and she was about 80 years old. She had been my mom’s jr. high PE teacher. How does one go from being a PE teacher to an English teacher? It seemed like an unrealistic jump until the day she said we were going to be learning to diagram sentences. That is the equivalent to climbing a rope to ring a stupid bell. We sat there looking at her like a bunch of google-eyed loons. Remember, this is 1985, not 1885.

She demonstrated, but it was all lunacy. She was so strict about the straight edge, that if our lines were crooked, we lost points on it. “Please let us go back to reading the watered-down Scholastic version of ‘The Taming of the Shrew’ and doing ditto worksheets about possessive pronouns!”
It made us long for 7th grade where we read the watered-down Scholastic version of ‘The Tell-Tale Heart’ and wrote Haikus.

Well, those days were over. It was time to grow up, and fast. I’d like to say that I slapped myself in the face and said, “Hand me that chalk and ruler, I’m goin’ in, Coach”, but it was more like me pulling my peach colored velcro kangaroos as far under the desk as I could get them and hunkering down in my seat. My heart was beating so hard that I was afraid Edgar Allan Poe was going to jump out of the 7th grade anthology and enter the 8th grade room at any moment. “Please, bury me under the floorboards, Mr. Poe!” I would make the newspaper, ‘Recent Parsings’….
I should have sent her a dia-gram
Western Union
MRS P STOP

Needless to say, I survived English class and never diagramed another sentence again. Kids, don’t believe teachers when they tell you you will be using fractions in your everyday adult life. You actually can pay people to figure the cubic area of your living room carpet. Diagraming sentences is even more unnecessary than figuring cubic feet! Besides, who knew you would need a ruler in English class?

Here is a sentence for you, Mrs. P:
Mrs. P should have been fired for teaching us unnecessary crap.

Mrs. P is the subject
Fired is the verb
For teaching is a prepositional phrase
Unnecessary is an adjective
Holy corn! It stuck.

Ending Credits

Have you ever noticed that at the end of movies the credits always contain people you didn’t really notice in the movie? They were people who didn’t need to be identified by a name, but instead were given some description ex: Man in Subway or Woman with Dog.

If I ever get that movie made about my life, like Braveheart did, I was thinking about some of the minor characters I have come across in life and what their title description would be at the end of my movie. Here are a few. These are all real people and there is a story about each one, if anyone is interested. I made up the names at the end because, honestly, what difference does it make?

Gas Station Hippie…….Berkeley Chevron
Biker With Spider Eye Tattoo……Harvey Davidson
Man Who Asks Randi to Go With Him on His Tour Bus……Ralph Kramdun
Neighbor Who Stole Chainsaw……Billy Don Sourwood
Married Man Who Kissed On Church Steps……Jake Deacon
Woman Who Sold Moldy Birthday Cake……Betty Cricket
Wiccaan Who Cheated With Randi's Boyfriend….Margaret Hamilton
Student Who Offered Randi Used Lottery Ticket…Jimmy Cash
Trick or Treaters Who Came As Themselves….Suzie Kramdun
…..Juan Kramdun
….Jeff Kramdun
……Benito Kramdun
Junior High Boy Peeing on Gym Wall…..Billy Ocean
Kindergartner Who Gave Finger……Lucky Hanson
Female Friend Who Quit Shaving Legs……Luna Harrison
Friend Whose father Owned Chop Shop…… Anita Ford
Boy Who Stole Cherries From Fruit Cocktail…..Bugs Meanie
Angry Waitress Who Served Raw Chicken….Sally Manilla
Choir Teacher Hit in Head By Volleyball……Darnell Bach

I Dream of Televison City

I was just thinking about a city...a city centered around TV..... It makes me wonder….what would it be like to live in Television City?

A magical city that was designed by Mike Brady. Mayor Boss Hogg, is good when the Duke boys are out of town. Governor Gatling and his right-hand man, Benson, make us happy we voted them in to run the state.

The citizens sleep well at night with Sheriff Lobo keeping the county roads safe from ne’er do well monkey encumbered truck drivers. The police force includes Poncherello, Hunter, McCloud, Starsky and Hutch. However, when another set of spying eyes are necessary, they call in Magnum, Rockford and the brothers Simon. They all keep an eye on the villainous J.R. Ewing, who runs the town with an iron fist. No one is sure, but they suspect that he has the help of a genie. But his worst nightmare is a band of four Vietnam vets and a plucky news reporter that travel around in a black and red van dispensing their own form of justice.

When necessary, the hospital, St. Elsewhere is stocked with the best doctors available, Trapper John, Marcus Welby and Doogie Howser. Although, sometimes a fight breaks out over who should make the first incision. When something goes awry, they send the stiff to Quincy.

Bruce Banner keeps the litmus paper on hand and his temper in check at the downtown lab.

People never go hungry in Television City. If you want a hamburger, Arnold’s is the place to go. The local greasy spoon is Mel’s Diner, but the classier set of “friends” gather at Central Perk to chat over coffee.
Sometimes, the local band, The Partridge Family entertains.

For other forms of entertainment, you can’t go wrong by turning your radio dial to WKRP to check out the Dr. Frasier Crane show or catching a rerun of the Alan Brady Show on TV.

Education is also a top priority. Serious Miss Crump watches over Opie and his pals at the elementary school while Mr. Kotter makes sure all of his students graduate with life skills, bell bottoms and a treasury of jokes. When they finish school, all students can work in the local Jefferson’s Dry Cleaners or join the Star Fleet Academy and serve on the U.S.S. Enterprise.

The local church boasts the only flying nun in the world and Aunt Bea’s delicious apple pie at every church social.

If you need a place to live, see the local building super, Schneider. Maybe you’ll get apartment 227.
Howard Cunningham also has your tools to help fix up the place. When that doesn’t cut it, call local handyman, MacGyver. He can seal, drill or blow something up with a paper clip, baseball card and peroxide that he gets at Sanford and Son’s junkyard.

Looking for a ride? Call Alex or Latka for a taxi or if you need public transportation, wait at the bus stop for Ralph Kramden.

Every town has the creepy old house that scares the kids, not Television City. It has two, the old Addams Family place and the Munster Mansion on Mockingbird Lane. Of course there is the local creepy guy, Mister Rogers, who welcomes everyone to the neighborhood with his brand of rhymes.

Do cultures, hairstyles and even eras collide in Television City? Yes, they do! Of course they do! However, as the great Hannibal once said, “I love it when a plan comes together!”

So, as Captain Stubing waits on the dock at the local marina, I think I hear him calling, “Come aboard, we’re expecting you!”

So long my hometown! I’m moving to Television City! Population: ME! Hee Haw!

Quantum Leap Backwards

Reasons why I fear what the future may hold......

1. The Pussycat Dolls song “Don’t Cha” will be playing on the muzack in elevators.

2. Doubleknit has to come back sometime.

3. Die Hard 18: This time he really dies.

4. Apple will get involved in the medical industry by unveiling the ipacemaker. It keeps your heart rhythm going with a built in mp3 player.

5. The Jetsons are upon us. General Mills Cereal Pills. No longer will children know the feeling of a sugar rush from eating too many bowls of breakfast cereal.

6. Education will finally go too far by watering down the curriculum with the Little Golden Book of Algebra.

7. Whole generations will miss out on the comedy stylings of Martin Short.

8. Bananas will become a luxury only the rich can afford, when the Council of Apes enacts the banana tax.

9. People will be tired of reality TV and made for TV movies will come back with a vengeance. Tim Matheson, Valerie Bertinelli, and Bruce Boxleitner’s great grandchildren will keep the family tradition alive on the Lifetime network.

10. Two words: President Timberlake

Haunted by the Pioneering Spirit

Most of my friends know how much I love The Little House on the Prairie books. I won’t even gloss over my disdain for the quote, TV show, end quote. Melissa Gilbert, you were not worthy to work the hook to button the REAL Laura Ingalls Wilder’s shoes. And, Almanzo, indeed! With that hippie haircut. The REAL Almanzo wouldn’t be caught dead outside the Dry Good’s Store with that hair. Dean Butler, I dance on the grave of your career! Isn’t this a good idea for a TV show? We’ll take a great series of wonderful stories, wring the marrow from each character and add our own PC stories. Make Mary get married to a fellow blind person….never happened….adopt a kid named Albert who likes to ride the white pony….never happened…..live next to former football star and flower salesman Merlin Olson…..also, never happened.

Recently, my mother, sister and I went to the last home where Laura lived. I have been there several times, but I like to go back every few years (like anything is going to change). I realized when I was there that being a tour guide for the place would be an excellent day job for me. Note I say “day job”. I have read the books she wrote and all number of reference books over and over, so I think I could talk the talk. It would just be awesome to poke in and out of the root cellar and the upstairs. Maybe I’d find a jar of tomato preserves to eat on hard tack for my trip home from work.

If they would hire me, I would make the tour my own. As we were walking through, I’d call attention to the manuscript for Farmer Boy. While pointing to it, I’d suddenly remember I needed to buy Q-tips. Pulling a sheet from the manuscript, I’d scrawl a reminder note on the back of the page. Hearing all the air sucked out of the room, I’d glance up and say, “Oh, I’m going to put it back.”

Then, we would head to another room where I would discuss how thirsty I am and how unfair it is that no drinks or food are allowed on the tour. Looking around the room, I would thirstily spy a kerosene lantern. Taking it from the nail, I would take the globe off and drain it dry. As kerosene (apple juice) ran down my chin, I’d say, “Oh, sorry, did anyone else want some?”

Heading to the final leg of the tour, I would point to all the things Almanzo made. Grabbing a homemade walking stick from his cache, I’d limp around the room, using it as a crutch, giggling and squealing, “Hey, look at me, everybody, I’m Alamanzo!”

I call it a day job because that’s about how long it would last. But, oh, the memories.

Sock Monkey: A Life in Retrospectus

The first picture is Sock Monkey in the third grade. Already, we see greatness in him, despite the dreadful meatloaf hair.

The second picture is of Sock Monkey and his first wife, Sheila. They met at The Purple Cow, a sleezy juice bar. This was at the climax of Sock Monkey's career as the front man for The Great Apes.

The third picture is of Sock Monkey and his band's first and only album, Cereal Killers.

The fourth picture is of Sock Monkey and his second wife, Elaine. They met through mutual friends. Sadly, it didn't work out for them, either. You can see the unhappiness is Elaine's furrowed brow.

The last picture is of Sock Monkey and his pride and joy, his son, David Lee.

Movie Magic??

I went to see the 5th installment of that movie the kids are all talking about, Harry Potter and the Wizard of Id, or something or other, I forget. Anyway, I never cared about seeing the movies and then when I saw the first one, it was like that little punk wizard had cast some sort of creepy spell on me. I loved them! Prisoner of Azkaban? Tell me more, Harry Potter!

So, I went to a preview before the preview. I couldn't bear to go to the one with all of those middle aged people running around with witches hats and the kids carrying stuffed owls under their arms and waving Fisher Price magic wands around trying to do the Expectum Patronus spell on the wide-eyed pimpley faced kid behind the candy counter. Evidently, Clearisil has the counter-spell. I didn't want to have to wade through them with their stares and whispers of, "She's a muggle," I am a muggle and I'm proud of it, okay. I've come to terms. It has been a long road full of attempts at purchasing black market wolfbane, only to have it blow up in my face, literally. I can't talk about it anymore....I have to go paint a lightning scar on my forehead, I'm going to Wal-Mart...

Should You Have Children?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, please do not procreate...

1. Are you planning to name your unborn child after liquor (i.e., Takeela, Jack Daniel, Bud...)?

2. Does the spelling of your unborn child's name require asteriks, question marks, or the pound sign?

3. Do you plan to take your child to McDonalds at 3 AM because he kicked and screamed for french fries until the neighbors called the cops?

4. Do you plan to allow your child to pack his own lunch that consists of a thermos of Vodka and lottery tickets?

5. Do you plan to allow your child, not only to watch horror movies, but to walk into the movie rental store and rent them for you while you sit in your primer laden car listening to a Styxx cassette tape?

Welcome

Welcome to my blog that will be filled to capacity with incoherent babblings, nonsecial statements and junk I make up.