Staff Infection

I know all workplaces have them. It's like there is a checklist in the main office:

Know-it-all: position filled
Smart Aleck: position filled
Control Freak: position filled
Copy Cat: position filled
Office Bimbo: position filled
Pervert: position filled
Suck-Up: position filed
Normal person: position open

Know-it-alls: Turns out, thy usually make up half the crap they spew. Throw in a few, "Well, the History Channel said" or "Webster's dictionary defines" and Cliff Clavin is re-born.

Smart Alecks: The big mouthed, 'everybody look at me. 'cause I'm the cutest' always ends up sitting at the table I am sitting at, thus acting as a magnet and drawing all the attention to our area of the room. Usually, this tends to be an overweight, acutely uncute person with zero sense of humor and even less friends.

Control Freaks: This person is always my cross to bear. I am laid back and I always get teamed with the 'well, that's not how I do it' bozo. If we did everything your way, we might as well change the name of the school to XXXX Elementary School. I'd rather name the library after you, The XXXX 'Memorial' Library.

Copy Cats: Thief!!! Somebody stoled my idea. I can't stand copycats. How do these people decide what to eat for breakfast? Come to think of it, the office copycat asked me for half my Pop Tart this morning. AS if! I wouldn't give half my Pop Tart to Christian Bale! I would give him my hand in marriage, though.

Office Bimbos: These are the ones with streaming video of their constantly changing boyfriends on their cell phones. The Fed-Ex guy ALWAYS knows their name and if you look quickly enough, you might see his picture on the cell phone.

Perverts: This is the creepy guy who keeps checking you out. He always has some intensely odd reason to stop you and usually has a grin on his face the whole time.
"There she is. Hey, do you eat Oat Bran? I clipped a coupon for you. It was in Voyeaur Today."
"Uh, thanks"
"You look like a gal who eats Oat Bran." Scanning up and down.
"Uh, I have to uh, go. My hamster died and I have to buy a pair of shoes, so I'll uh, have a box to bury him in."
"Sure, no problem. You look great for someone who lost a hamster. You are holding up well. Hey, don't forget your coupon."

Suck-Ups: This person is always three steps behind the boss, always knows the boss' kid's best friend's birthdays and can drop names like Wile E. Coyote drops anvils. You don't have to worry about this person too much. When the boss goes, this person usually goes, too. But, oddly enough, never to the same workplace.

Normal Person: I hope against hope that this is me.

Sock Monkey Yard Sale

One weekend only (only) at the local Civic Center (Center) Sock Monkey (Monkey) is having a yard sale (sale). Everything must go (go). If you miss this opportunity (tunity), you better be dead (dead) or you'll wish you were (were)!

Items for sale:

A dozen Faberge eggs.
A working Ferris Wheel.
A Pocket Fisherman.
An 8-track of Mac Davis' Greatest Hits.
A deck of Sea Monkey playing cards.
A set of Laverne and Shirley drinking glasses minus Squiggy.
"Best" half of best friend necklace.
Box of "Happy Bar mitzvah Marty" balloons.
5 gallons of Harvest Gold latex paint.
A gently used pair of plastic vampire teeth.
A 6 inch cubic zirconium "S" initial necklace.
A Gutenberg Bible.
A weight bench (never used).
A ream of "From the Desk of Sock Monkey" stationary.
An authentic "Woodstock" t-shirt.
An authentic "Snoopy" t-shirt.
An assortment of Tupperware lids.

The Day After

I don't know about anyone else, but I am NOT participating in "Bring Your Caveman to Work" again next year. He started fires with my pencils, drank my liquid paper and then threw up in my bottom desk drawer. I had two words at 6:00 AM this morning: SICK DAY!
It will all blow over by tomorrow. My Caveman will have forgotten how to find my workplace by then.

By the way, you can completely forget about my participation in "Bring Your Viking to Church" this Sunday.

Thog No Werk Heer

Monday is Bring Your Caveman to Work Day!

Here are a few simple rules to help your day go smoothly.

*Take some air freshener along for the carpool ride to and from work. Please be discreet, Thog have feelings, too.

*Remember to put your Caveman's lunch into the refrigerator immediately. Raw meat spoils quickly in even the most air-conditioned of offices.

*It's best to make sure clubs are left at home. You don't need a sexual harassment suit pending because your Caveman drug Sally from personnel into your cubicle.

*Try to keep your Caveman away from the copy machine. All it takes is one photocopy of a hand to set your Caveman back a million years.

*If your Caveman gets bored, let him string paper clips together. He'll think he's helping and you'll be able to finish your report. It has something to do with the missing link theory.

*Bring your own bottled water so you can avoid the water cooler. The normal talk around it about what happened on "Heroes" will be replaced by a non-stop conversation of "Ugh"s.

*It's okay to ask your Caveman for advice. Remember, he discovered the wheel.

Are You Smarter Than a Sock Monkey?

How did the Archduke Ferdinand like his eggs?

The first correct post wins a coupon for a free library book check-out at the library of Sock Monkey's choice.

Rocking in the Real World

Why elementary school is not like the real world.....

*In elementary school, the teacher takes the rubber snake away from Billy and makes him share with Sally. In the real world, the boss doesn't care who is right, the raise or business trip goes to the whiniest baby that spends all of his/her time sucking up.

*In elementary school, the playground bully usually grows up to be the loser town drunk. In real life, the office bully ends up being the office manager, then district manager and then Lord Tsar Admiral High Supreme Ruler of All Land East and West of the Mississip, esquire.

*In elementary school, you can buy cool school supplies with your favorite movie or cartoon characters on them. In real life, you look like a darn fool if you try to sign a contract with a pink Hello Kitty highlighter and co-workers just can't respect those Spongebob file folders.

*In elementary school, a sticker from the teacher makes everything better. In the real world, it takes a 3-day weekend and a dumptruck full of Cheetos to make the world seem right again.

*In elementary school, you get a free ride to and from school every day. In real life, the only thing free about the carpool is the cigarette smoke and the Tim McGraw song that keeps getting stuck in your head.

*In elementary school, you can bring a seashell to school for show and tell. In the real world, if you bring something cool to show everyone, it gets stolen during your first coffee break and ends up on eBay for 1.99.

*In elementary school, you get a hot lunch everyday. In the real world, you get a hot tuna salad sandwich because the workroom fridge is on the fritz...again.

*In elementary school, you fake sick and your mom buys it. In the real world, you go into work leaning on your IV pole and no one even looks up.

People Who Should Not Have Tattoos

1.) Mothers: Aw, hearken back to those early mornings when mom pulled your steaming hot strawberry pop tart out of the toaster, burned her finger and then turned the air blue with her swearing. Your last sight as you got on the school bus was mom's tattooed arm waving goodbye as she lights a new GPC cigarette from her old one.

2.) Pasty People: Nothing looks more gross in flourescent lighting than a bright green tatt on a cavefish.

3.) Indecisive People: If you are not absolutely 100 percent without a doubt positive that that is the person you are going to be buried next to, don't have their name written in ink on your arm.

4.) People Who Can't Afford Them: These are the people who try to make their own (A.K.A. prison tattoos). Newsflash, you can tell they are homemade. If the poor art work and the misspelled words didn't give it away, the time spent in the hospital for infection did.

5.) People Who Wrinkle: I haven't seen a lot of really old people with tattoos. Then again, I haven't been to Hell. I imagine it would be something like that.

How to Know if Your "Man" Friend is a Vampire

His first instant message to you is "what is your type?" and he means blood.

On your first date, you suggest an Italian restaurant and he starts pouting.

He selects Frankenstein from your bookshelf, reads the last page and then weeps openly.

You put a lot of work into planning day trips. At first he is excited, but he always cancels at the last minute.

He has never heard of Oprah.

When you invite him over for dinner and ask how he likes his steak, it takes you an hour and a half to talk him out from under the coffee table.

His email is: vlad_dracul3@transylvania.net

The bumper sticker on his black Cadillac says, "My other car is a hearse".

He mentions that he has to make a withdrawl and he stops at a blood bank.

He claims to have sold all of his mirrors to a flea market because they made his bottom look fat.

He wears an unordinary amount of lace.

He thinks Christopher Lee is the most underrated actor of our time.

He giggles uncontrollably when Tevye sings "Sunrise, Sunset" during Fiddler on the Roof. When you ask why, he cryptically answers that he "has all the time in the world" and then he calls Tevye "a chump".

His sister tells you he is.

Truth in Advertising

What is with store/restaurant names? It seems to me that in order for people to want to eat or shop at their business, people would be more careful what they name a place. An example of a place I'm talking about is a store near where I live. It's called The Bible Book Store. They believe in placing their cards on the table. You know exactly what you are in for when you go in there. Chances are, you are either walking out with a Bible or a book. A name that bothers me is Cap'n D's. It sounds like a place owned by a sea captain who didn't do well in school. Also, the Dollar General bugs me. That pretty much says stuff is going to cost a dollar and there will be big barrels of saltines and pickles everywhere. Neither is the case. Although, I think I got a Cherry Mash there once that was made in the 1800's. There is a homey little store nearby called The Brier Patch. Brier is spelled wrong, it's supposed to be Briar. That makes me question whether they can ring up my purchases properly. 88 dollars for a crappy carrot cake candle?? Oops, that was 8 dollars. Sorry. Also, anything with a backwards letter does not sit well with me. It makes me wonder if they goofed on the sign, they think it's cute or they have dyslexia. Any of the above is reason enough to boycott.
My sister and I plan to open businesses next to each other. Her's will be called The Salvador Deli". All of the sandwiches will look very thought provoking and will be real conversation starters, but in the end, customers will find that they are not very filling. My store will be called, "Harry Pottery". It will be a magical place where you can buy an ashtray for 1.99. All of the products will have little lightning bolts made into them. Big sale on pencils holders a week from Tuesday. We are located on Route 9. You can't miss us, we are right next to Pacemakers (backwards) R Us.

On the Cutting Edge

I cannot believe I am writing this as I assumed I would be 6 feet under by now. Quincy would say, "Lacerations to wrist caused by dull, possibly off-brand scissors."
However, I actually survived the first week of school. It probably helped that it was only two days. It was like a training week. I had 3 criers (one of them was me) and one near puker (not me). If I am going to puke, I am going to puke. None of that near business. I believe in finishing any job I start. So, I feel successful, but really tired. I pretty much set up residence on my couch last night.
The strange thing is that I wore a pair of shoes that I have worn a lot. They still gave me blisters. It is a proven scientific fact that any pair of shoes you wear on the first day of school will give you blisters. I have paperwork documenting this all the way back to my 5th grade year.

Me-diddly-ee

In case anyone is wondering (which I sincerely doubt), this would be me if I lived in Springfield. Oddly enough, my driver's license picture looks a lot like this.

In Movies

*In movies, after you announce your retirement publicly, you don't live to see the next sunrise. In real life, after you retire you find yourself sitting at home playing checkers with your cat and not making enough money from your retirement checks to buy used bacon.

*In movies, two people can stand 3 feet away from someone and talk in their normal voices. The third person never hears a word said. In real life, if you even whisper something, the gossip mill doesn't sleep until every cable news station has wrung the information dry of every sweet drop of gossip juice.

*In movies, people can blow up a city block and never do a day in jail. In real life,you can think about throwing a Tootsie Roll wrapper out your car window and your'e doing a nickle in the State Penn.

*In movies, opposites always attract to make for a fun-filled, roller-coaster relationship. In real life, you sit across the table from someone who is your polar opposite and spend a very uncomfortable half hour trying to make conversation about things you know nothing about before going home early and eating an entire bowl of Cool Whip in your nightgown.

*In movies, all doctors are good looking. In real life....they aren't.

*In movies, if you color your hair, no one recognizes you. In real life, if you color your hair no one even notices.

*In movies, people break into song and dance on city streets. In real life, if you break into song and dance you are immediatley surrounded with your hands up and a team of psychiatrists are on standby to take you down with a tranc gun.

*In movies, science is used by superheroes to win battles against evil geniuses who are trying to rule the world. In real life, science is boring and studied by nerds who can afford to drive really nice cars.

*In movies, if you get called for jury duty, it's going to be for a high profile murder trial. In real life, if you get called for jury duty, you get excused for asking for the death penalty in a shoplifting case.

*In movies, the high school jock goes on to run the small Southern town where he is from with an iron fist. In real life, the high school jock goes on to be the bald used car salesman that no one trusts.

Beware the Stunt Monkeys

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce to you some of the stunt monkeys that make this blog possible. Sock Monkey is only one monkey. He is awesome, we all know that, but he can't do it all. Here is the power behind the throne.

Pictured:
Bottom row: Sock Monkey
Middle row: David Lee A.K.A. "Son of Sock Monkey"
Top Row: Dutch A.K.A. "The Flying Dutchman"

You might remember Dutch and David Lee from such posts "Summer of My Discontent" and "Plan B Movie".

*Thank you to Colt Seaver Stunt Agency, Inc.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends (The Real Ones)

Friends are really great. There is nothing better than having a phone conversation with a friend to catch up on stuff , telling a joke that you know will make a friend laugh or reading a friend’s hilariously true email. However, what is the deal with people who say they are your friend and then, when you aren’t looking, you get a conveniently placed dull butter knife right to the back? I am going back to work next week and I am really dreading it. It seems I left summer school feeling that my work friends were a bunch of (*****) [deleted by poster so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings]. By the way, it said, jerks. Get your mind out of the gutter :) I won’t bore you with specifics about what happened, but…

*Why can’t people accept the fact that you can have more than one friend? How many of you have been knocked to the ground and kicked/rolled behind a big piece of furniture to hide you from an approaching friend of your friend? Really? Oh, then never mind.

*Why can’t some friends listen to your problems? They love to tell their’s, but the minute you say, “I had something crummy happen”. POOF! It’s like they are Casper and they have to go haunt some of other wing of the mansion. I think this problem is indigenous to the female race and teachers.

*Why do some so-called friends think they have to lord things over you and be better than you? Most of the time I just pity them for their stupidity, “Hey, look at me, I have an internet boyfriend I met on Yahoo dating that’s more internet boyfriends than you have met on Yahoo dating (the County Fair of internet dating. Yeah and I haven't tried to find an internet boyfriend.) and my tube top has more sequins than your turtleneck.” To quote one of my brother’s friends. “You’re a turtleneck, so-called friend.”

I consider myself a pretty faithful and loyal friend. Some of you may disagree. Take it up with the comment box. I just want to say to my really and true friends (who are the only ones who would be reading this). Thanks for listening to me and making me laugh. I hope I return the favor.

Birthday Wish List

Sock Monkey's birthday is coming up. He has decided to celebrate by publishing his birthday present wish list:

*Autographed picture of original Cheetah from the 1932 movie "Tarzan the Ape man".

*Vintage "Goin' Bananas" t-shirt circa 1976.

*A 1981 Dodge Charger yellow in color with flames on the doors and a license plate reading "SOCMNKE"

*Monchhichis complete first season on DVD.

*A Garanimals jogging suit.

*A bottle of Wild Simian cologne.

*World Peace.

I'll Tell You When I've Had Enough

What is the durn deal with the new vitamin and mineral besplashed soda? (I like putting be in front of words). In the spring, I went to get a pop from the machine at work and they had this new brightly colored diet soda with vitamins. I am usually the first one on the bandwagon to try new pop, however, I have to say, this one kind of turned my stomach. Just thinking about adding things to pop (unless it’s vanilla, caramel crème or cherry) is unnatural. I don’t drink pop for my health, people. If I did, I would be drinking Dr. Pepper! When they start trying to make our junk food healthy, I get scared. I mean what’s next, Cough Syrup Slushies? Pain Relief Popsicles? Management of Osteoporosis Orange-ade?

*Warning: Drinking any of these products may result in joint pain, backaches, headaches, tummy aches, bloating, chest pain, bleeding from the eye, liver disease, malaise, unconsciousness, urge to gamble, heart attack, shortness of breath, dizziness, clouded contact lenses, loss of limbs, underage drinking, dryness of mouth, unexpected slobbering, weight loss, weight gain, mass murders, sore throat, skin rash, IRS audits, and general disgust. If symptoms occur, please tell teenager at the fast food counter what other injected medicines you have had in your drinks.

Sock Monkey's Big Announcement

Sock Monkey would like to take this opportunity to throw his chin-strap hat into the ring and announce his candidacy for presidency of the United States of America.

Biography:

Sock Monkey was born to immigrant parents in New York City. His father worked for peanuts alongside an organ grinder while his mother was a homemaker. Growing up in the projects with several brothers and sisters, Sock Monkey still found time to educate himself by reading borrowed books by firelight.

As an adult, Sock Monkey clawed his way out of the urban jungle and began a career as the front man for the rock n roll group, The Great Apes. After limited success, he worked in the corporate world as the CEO of a monkey business.

Sock Monkey sees the need for continued leadership as America walks into the new frontier. He feels that with his past struggles and swinging lifestyle, he understands what America needs.

SOCK MONKEY FOR PRESIDENT 2008

Stop by campaign headquarters, The Frozen Banana, and get a free tropical smoothie with every promised vote.

Check back for Sock Monkey for President 2008 updates. Please.

Glory Days

I recently noticed, being a bit slow on the uptake, that the songs I listened to as a kid are now being played in stores. I could not believe that Rod Stewart was singing, “If you think I’m sexy” in Radio Shack. Who wants to hear that while they are buying a phone card? True story. I heard Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf” in Wal-Mart. I'm standing in the potato chip aisle and there it is. Oh, Simon LeBon, what has happened to the world? When did you stop being cool? Long answer: the minute society broke down and started pandering to a new generation. Short answer: 1986. It is like the uber jerk who decides which music is to be played in very white very safe places has access to my ipod. What the heck?

The big question, besides why is Bruce Springstein being played in the “Paper Factory” is why is“the man” listening to teenagers (who get money from their parents) and not my generation? Why isn't my music still mainstream? We are the ones with jobs, educations, money and evidently, taste. My advice to Skippy, AKA Voltran, Lord of the Musack, go back to playing Bobby Vinton. You are making me feel pretty unhip here.

*Sock Monkey is posing with Bryan Adams: Summer of 69, Corey Hart: Never Surrender, The Bee Gees: Stayin' Alive, and El Debarge: Rhythm of the Night.
See I told you I was cool....

It's Alive!!

As an educator, I am concerned about what teachers are teaching students about history. To me, history is a very very important subject. However, I fear that most teachers do not remember the Alamo.

Here are some of the important historical events and how I fear they are going to be watered down and PC’d up:

The Spanish Inquisition was a popular game show of the day.

The Donner Party was a big family birthday celebration.

Custer’s Last Stand was the final lemonade stand that George Custer ran.

Pearl Harbor was a jewelry store.

The 95 Theses was Martin Luther’s late college paper that he pinned to the church’s door to avoid a late grade.

Attila the Hun was a nickname from his wife.

Sherman’s March to the Sea was a series of fundraising band gigs to pay for new uniforms.

Boss Tweed and Tamany Hall was a 70’s singing duo.

The Battle of the Bulge was an episode of Oprah.

This is why I feel it is so important to keep history alive. That’s reason number 5 that I have begun a series of tests to reanimate the long lifeless body of John Paul Jones.

America's Greatest Treasure

I think that America has put the wrong treasure in Fort Knox. Gold? Come on. There is a bigger treasure that America has just rolled over like a Sonic chili dog wrapper. What am I talking about? Well, if you have to ask that, I’m afraid I need to see your citizenship records. I could only be talking about one person: The great Fess Parker.

Fess parker was the quintessential injun fighter slash coon skin becapped pioneer. I love those old Davy Crockett movies where hijinx and hilarity ensue along the Mississippi River as he traps furs and punches bad guys in the eye. He was also pretty cool as Daniel Boone in the old series. Yes, Davy Crockett was pretty much the same guy as Daniel Boone. My theory is that Daniel stumbled onto some kind of powerful strong immortality elixir along the Wilderness Trail and to throw everyone off, he changed his name to Davy Crockett. I think he later took on other names. One of which is Charles Bronson. When it starts to get unbelievable, he switches personas. That means he still walks among us. That’s a conspiracy theory for another day. Enough about Daniel/Davy/Charles. Back to Fess….

I think they need to send Tomahawk helicopters immediately to wherever Fess parker is. There needs to be guards on him 24 hours a day. Electrical chicken wire by the mile should surround his home and all his possessions. This man needs to be protected. He’s older now, and we can’t risk any guys in tri-cornered hats trying to jump his claim. Rally call to America, “Don’t mess with Fess”.

Hair of the Monkey That Bit You

Picture 1: Sock Monkey before seeing Hairspray.
Picture2: Sock Monkey after seeing Hairspray. I can't seem to talk him down.

I saw the movie Hairspray twice within a week. It was awesome! I wasn't sure about it because of the Travolta dress thing. I'm not big on drag queen movies. I actually only know of one, Priscilla, Queen of the Darned, and I've never even seen it. I know of one guy who has seen Hairspry 8 times and he is planning on going to Harvard, so he's no dummard. It was the happiest I ever remember being in a movie. It was just great.

I was flipping channels the other night and came across the last 15 minutes of the original. After seeing that, I can't believe anyone was brave enough to try it again. If 15 minutes made me that nervous, I can't imagine what 16 minutes would have done. It was a train wreck of 20 year old bad acting and worse costuming. It was worse than The Time Machine (no offense to Guy Pearce...see The Count of Monte Cristo instead). It was even worse than Monster-in-Law (offense to Hanoi Jane....see file footage from the early 70's).

I recommend seeing and later purchasing the 2007 Hairspray. I also recommend purchasing the 1988 Hairspary (all of them). Then we can all meet up at the old dump and make sure that our nieces and nephews never have to see what we saw.