No Girls Allowed, Except Me.

Speaking as a woman who works in a school, I can safely say female co-workers are the worst. They gossip, backbite, gossip, carry tales, gossip, and that's just Monday morning. Being fed up to me eye sockets with this, I have decided to open my own school. A school where I am the principal and all the teachers are male. Did I mention they are male and hot?

Math: Russell Crowe (qualifications: He was a math teacher in A Beautiful Mind)
English: Johnny Depp (qualifications: He speaks English very well in POTC 1-3)
Science: Hugh Jackman (qualifications: He's all sciency in The Prestige)
History: Kevin Costner (qualifications: Numerous westerns)
PE: Christian Bale (qualifications: He's pretty buff in Batman)
Music: Josh Groban (qualifications: He sings good)
Art: open
Bus Driver: Dale Earnhardt,Jr. (qualifications: He drives like a son of a gun)
Janitor: Mark Wahlberg (qualifications: cute is a qualification)
Cook: Chef Boyardee: (qualifications: He may not be much to look at, but he makes noodle-o's)

It used to be about the candy, man!

What happened to Halloween? When I was a kid, Halloween was about the 2 C's...CANDY and CREATIVITY. Now, it has become so cheap, so dirty, so commercialized. Parents drop a hundo for a cheap, crappy costume like they are paying off a library fine. It's no big deal. Well, it IS a big deal. What happened to putting some thought into it and coming up with something original? Now, it's just drop by the local discount store and buy some hideous flammable death shroud. We used to take grandma's jewelry, grandpa's boots, Uncle Doug's overcoat, a smear of mascara....instant pirate or convict or jewel thief.

What about the candy? Candy used to look apetizing, now it's edible eyeballs and vomit flavored jelly beans. Then, there are those wack-os that believe in passing out healthy treats. As if they can be labeled as treats. The closest to healthy we ever got as kids was an apple and a cookie. The apple was always accompanied by the cookie. I think it was the little old ladies way of saying, "Here, I know it's a helathy snack, so sugar up on the snickerdoodle." The cookie cancelled out the apple. I think we need to get back to the 2 C's. Those were good times.

Is your husband a werewolf?

1. You are on a first name basis with your plumber's wife. This is due to the fact that you have put their children through college on all his trips to remove hair clogs from your bathtub drain.

2. He refuses to eat dinner with your grandmother's silver. Instead, he opts to use plastic sporks he gets from Taco Bell.

3. Coincidentally, there is always a full moon on his "poker nights".

4. When you eat at KFC and the counter attendant asks if you want original or extra crispy, he always asks for raw.

5. You get embarrassed during church services when he begins howling "Amazing Grace".

6. Everytime The Shaggy D.A. is on TV, he is glued to the set.

7. Your neighbor, the chicken farmer, keeps complaining about disappearing chickens. Coincidentally, you keep finding buckshot in the laundry hamper.

8. He has the same "costume" every Halloween.

Random Thoughts

Does anyone else hate it when people say periphial vison instead of peripheral or flustrated instead of frustrated? I guess they have Old Timer's disease. Shut it people. Just shut it.

Also, is it me or is Spongebob Squarepants on 24 hours a day? Shouldn't Squidward get equal time somewhere?

The copy machine repairman told me today that he thinks the problem with kids today is that they don't get to beat each other up when they get into an verbal argument. It sounds a bit wacky, but I know I would feel a lot better if I could knock the soup of some wisenheimer that I get into an argument with. "Hey Mr. Give Me The Finger In Traffic, meet my fender!"

Final random thought: Why do people do embarrassing commercials. Yes, I want to draw attention to my incontinence, chin hairs and mental illness. That's bad, but people shilling their kids for bed wetting commercials. I imagine those kids are popular birthday party invites. They are just future incontinet, hairy chinned mental patients.

Catch the 3:10 to Yuma

I have had a kind of long creatively unstimulating week full of craptacular events of nonsignifigance and little remembered snatchets of mundane nonmemories. However, I decided to see 3:10 to Yuma...again. It has taken over the number one slot of my all time favorite movies. Big deal? Maybe, but I really like movies and I have seen a ton of them, so to me it is a big deal. Russell Crowe is just outlandishly great, as expected. He makes you cheer for the bad guy. Christian Bale, well, I just heart Christian Bale. The guy rarely smiles, but he doesn't have to. He can convey any message loud and clear with one raised eyelash. That's right, I said eyelash. That's just how good he is. These two deserve one gigantic Oscar to be shared by them both. Maybe they could just give them one of the novelty statues that decorate the entrance of the Academy awards. They could do a split custody thing. Maybe they could meet every Sunday night at a predetermined location to pass Oscar off. However, the way these guys solve their problems, I imagine the last one standing can keep Oscar in his mansion's game room. I'll definitely see 3:10 to Yuma again and so should you. You don't want to wake up with Mr. Crowe or Mr. Bale cocking a pistol above your head. See 3:10 to Yuma....it's the right thing to do.

Noah Webster Would Be Spinning in His Grave

I guess every family has them, no, I'm not talking about ties to the mafia. I'm talking about their own vocabulary. There are some terms that my family uses that would probably sound like nonsensical blathering to anyone else. Here are a few of them:

Kidnapper's Van: This is the old style A-Team type van with no windows. They are only driven by hippies and kidnappers and some hippie kidnappers.

Daddy's Weekend: This is when you see dads(only)with small children on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. It is usually in sit-down restaurants where the kids are feasting on french fries, pizza, chicken nuggets, rootbeer floats and hot fudge sundaes all at once while dad flirts with the teenaged waitress.

Buffet High: This is when you eat at a low quality all you can eat buffet. You are just thinking about the quantity of food, not the quality. You are so impressed with the amount you eat, that you don't care that each thing tastes like Chef Boyardee scraped it off a Men's room floor with a transient's tube sock.

Hurry Shorts: These are those shorts that every man has. The holey, out of style pair that they pull on when they see car lights coming up the driveway. Don't be embarrassed, all men do it. No one wants a Jehovah's Witness to see them in their heart boxers. They probably would have a tract for that.

Loaf of Bread Hair: This is the haircut that all boys had in their second grade pictures. No use getting re-takes. It's like a curse. This haircut goes back generations. If Pilgrim boys had had school pictures, thy gude man wouldst have succoumbed to loafeth of breade haire.

Monkey Paws: These are the hairs that some wolflike men (and possibly Russian women)have growing down their necks. If you don't shave them, they look like a monkey is climbing out of your shirt. Cute, but not a good way to attract chicks.

This is Me Walking Away

It seems that all my friends keep wanting to set me up with men they know. However, all the men seem short on one simple thing. For each, it might be somethig different, but so far here is a short list of what they are missing:
a job
a clean record
a soul
a personality
a nice ex-wife
a sense of humor
childlessness
a bar of soap
good sense
the ability not to be an alcoholic.
I would keep going but my stomach is getting sick. It makes me wonder, why do they think I would be interested? Is it because I'm 35 and have never been married? Maybe. A while ago, someone I trusted set me up. I usually say no, but this guy sounded okay. He ended up being cheap, embarrassing, and we had nothing in common. He had told me his friend went on a blind date once and it didn't work out, so he took her home early. Guess what time I got home that night? 9:00. That's early even to a preschooler. On the upside, I was home in time to watch Psych.
You begin to look at yourself, though, not because you aren't married, but because you wonder why people want you to date Joey McKnucklehead.

Bottom line: People need to mind their own beeswax and quit trying to start their own dating service. It ends up being more like mismatch.com

People Who Will Be In Hell

*People who cut their fingers and then suck the blood off.
*Adults who collect Teddy Bears.
*People who borrow things and then don't return them.
*Smart-alecks who forgo a fork and use chopsticks in Chinese restaurants.
*People who eat ketchup on eggs.

*Oh, and the usual cast of characters:
*PE Teachers
*Serial Killers
*Vampires
*Nazis
*Cheerleaders

Yee Haw! Ride 'Em Cowmonkey!

I saw 3:10 to Yuma this weekend. It was amazing! I love Westerns and if I had 3 wishes, the second one would be that Hollywood would make more westerns. MORE westerns, I say!
Here are some things I have learned from watching westerns:
*No one sets a cowboy hat better than Mr. Kevin Costner.
*The only way you could get me on a stagecoach would be to tie my cold dead body to the top. Ironically, that’s the way most movie stagecoach rides end.
*The Pinkertons couldn’t catch a cold, despite the fact that they were paid 18 dollars a day (it should have been Confederate dollars).
*No matter if your name is Dirty Ken, Buffalo Bob, Buckshot Willie or Alabama Steve, you are going to die before the age of 30. The tougher you were the less you lived.
*The Jew’s harp was the western bagpipe.
*There were only 2 jobs for women: school marm and saloon gal. They paid about the same and saloon gals had more respect.
*Organic food doesn’t make you live longer. The average life expectancy in 1880 for men was age 45 and women age 49. They didn’t have pesticides on their potatoes. We live to be 80 and there is no reasonable explanation of what goes in a fast food French fry.
*They wore long sleeve shirts all year long. They rarely bathed and had no deodorant. Sometimes, on a cool summer evening, I think I can still smell them.

50th Post!!!!

Yee-haw! I made it to my 50th post AND it only took me three months. I would just like to say to all of the people who thought I couldn't do it, I did it! I can't believe I actually had 49 things to talk about.

Now, I would just like to ask a question, is it me or do all of Duran Duran's songs sound the same? I don't remember thinking that when I was jamming to Hungry Like the Wolf with my huge pilotesque TWA headphones plugged into the stereo (that had an 8-track player). I heard Duran Duran is reuniting and they played snippets of some of their hits. Think about it: Rio, Hungry Like the Wolf, Union of the Snake, New Moon on Monday and The Reflex. IT'S THE SAME BLOODY SONG! Well, you win this round, Simon LeBon! So what that I still download your music for my iPod. That doesn't mean I buy into your 80's pop whodoo.

Things I Kind of Love

*Frosting: Nature's perfect topping.

*Germ-X: It's the reason I'm still alive today. I should have died of boogermonia years ago.

*Seeing a movie for the first time: It's especially great if someone hasn't ruined the ending. Someone told me how the Sixth Sense ended before I saw it. After I saw it, I realized seeing it was totally pointless after you knew how it ended. Spoiler Alert: The Willis is a ghost!

*Monkeys: I would love to have a monkey son. I need someone/thing to hang my hopes and dreams on. Someone/thing to carry on my legacy. Besides, who else is going to get my rubber stamp collection when I pass on.

*Sleeping late: I've been thinking about getting a job where I can stay up late and sleep late. I figure the only two options are working in a school for nocturnal children or becoming a vampire.

*The smell of bbq: If you could only bottle that smell...Darn you KC Masterpiece! Darn you all to heck for beating me to the punch!

*Sharpies: I write with Sharpies like most people write with ink pens. I love writing out loud. I'm all about writing out loud. NOW HEAR THIS WORLD, I NEED TO CALL MY ACCOUNTANT BEFORE 3:00!!

*Drinking Straws: Aren't they awesome? Instead of having to pick up my glass, I can just bend my head over. It cuts my drinking time in half.

*Candy: As a kid, candy was as free flowing as lip gloss in a middle school. We had it all the time. Holidays were awash with it. I had so much that I had to eat it fast before it turned sticky, white or my brother found it. As an adult, I can appreciate candy. I actually taste it, now. Did you know there are peanuts in a Payday?

Things I Kind of Hate

*Watermelon, watermelon flavored anything, anything that smells like watermelon. I’m even iffy on watermelon farmers.

*Stale bread: I’d never make it in debtor’s prison.

*PE teachers: They all have the evil gene just as Hitler did before them. Imagine Hitler’s PE teacher.

*The word chipotle: How the heck do you pronounce, what the heck is it AND who the heck discovered it?? Was it Jerry Chipoltle?

*Hot soda: I do, however, like cold coffee. I don’t get me, either.

* Icy roads: Who does like them? No one I know, except Ice Road Truckers on the History channel.

*Mondays: I’m totally turning into Garfield.

*Shopping alone: What if I can’t decide which color of Post-it notes to buy? I need some confirmation here!

* Blue juice: I can’t bear the thought of drinking it. It looks like windshield wiper fluid.

*When people say, "You look nice today." Maybe I'm overthinking it, but what does that say about how I looked yesterday or last Thursday?

Cover Monkey

Here are the choices. Which Sock Monkey best portrays the "Hang in There" image:

Hangin' In There

Sad news to report, sports fans. The 'Hang in There Kitty' couldn't hang in there any longer. She will be buried in a shoebox 'neath the old willow tree. Graveside services will be conducted at a later date. Sock Monkey has stepped up to volunteer as the new face of perserverance. After a preliminary photo shoot this weekend, Sock Monkey was asked for a quote about his new role as the tenacity ambassador. He said, "Hang in there!" Truer words have never been spoken, SM.
The rumor mill had Sock Monkey updating his slogan to two possibles: "Keep it real" or "Don't wig out". However, he has decided, in memory of the Kitty, to conserve her famous quote. Look for updated posters to appear in office cubicles and school counseling offices across America. Hang in there, indeed!

Staff Infection

I know all workplaces have them. It's like there is a checklist in the main office:

Know-it-all: position filled
Smart Aleck: position filled
Control Freak: position filled
Copy Cat: position filled
Office Bimbo: position filled
Pervert: position filled
Suck-Up: position filed
Normal person: position open

Know-it-alls: Turns out, thy usually make up half the crap they spew. Throw in a few, "Well, the History Channel said" or "Webster's dictionary defines" and Cliff Clavin is re-born.

Smart Alecks: The big mouthed, 'everybody look at me. 'cause I'm the cutest' always ends up sitting at the table I am sitting at, thus acting as a magnet and drawing all the attention to our area of the room. Usually, this tends to be an overweight, acutely uncute person with zero sense of humor and even less friends.

Control Freaks: This person is always my cross to bear. I am laid back and I always get teamed with the 'well, that's not how I do it' bozo. If we did everything your way, we might as well change the name of the school to XXXX Elementary School. I'd rather name the library after you, The XXXX 'Memorial' Library.

Copy Cats: Thief!!! Somebody stoled my idea. I can't stand copycats. How do these people decide what to eat for breakfast? Come to think of it, the office copycat asked me for half my Pop Tart this morning. AS if! I wouldn't give half my Pop Tart to Christian Bale! I would give him my hand in marriage, though.

Office Bimbos: These are the ones with streaming video of their constantly changing boyfriends on their cell phones. The Fed-Ex guy ALWAYS knows their name and if you look quickly enough, you might see his picture on the cell phone.

Perverts: This is the creepy guy who keeps checking you out. He always has some intensely odd reason to stop you and usually has a grin on his face the whole time.
"There she is. Hey, do you eat Oat Bran? I clipped a coupon for you. It was in Voyeaur Today."
"Uh, thanks"
"You look like a gal who eats Oat Bran." Scanning up and down.
"Uh, I have to uh, go. My hamster died and I have to buy a pair of shoes, so I'll uh, have a box to bury him in."
"Sure, no problem. You look great for someone who lost a hamster. You are holding up well. Hey, don't forget your coupon."

Suck-Ups: This person is always three steps behind the boss, always knows the boss' kid's best friend's birthdays and can drop names like Wile E. Coyote drops anvils. You don't have to worry about this person too much. When the boss goes, this person usually goes, too. But, oddly enough, never to the same workplace.

Normal Person: I hope against hope that this is me.

Sock Monkey Yard Sale

One weekend only (only) at the local Civic Center (Center) Sock Monkey (Monkey) is having a yard sale (sale). Everything must go (go). If you miss this opportunity (tunity), you better be dead (dead) or you'll wish you were (were)!

Items for sale:

A dozen Faberge eggs.
A working Ferris Wheel.
A Pocket Fisherman.
An 8-track of Mac Davis' Greatest Hits.
A deck of Sea Monkey playing cards.
A set of Laverne and Shirley drinking glasses minus Squiggy.
"Best" half of best friend necklace.
Box of "Happy Bar mitzvah Marty" balloons.
5 gallons of Harvest Gold latex paint.
A gently used pair of plastic vampire teeth.
A 6 inch cubic zirconium "S" initial necklace.
A Gutenberg Bible.
A weight bench (never used).
A ream of "From the Desk of Sock Monkey" stationary.
An authentic "Woodstock" t-shirt.
An authentic "Snoopy" t-shirt.
An assortment of Tupperware lids.

The Day After

I don't know about anyone else, but I am NOT participating in "Bring Your Caveman to Work" again next year. He started fires with my pencils, drank my liquid paper and then threw up in my bottom desk drawer. I had two words at 6:00 AM this morning: SICK DAY!
It will all blow over by tomorrow. My Caveman will have forgotten how to find my workplace by then.

By the way, you can completely forget about my participation in "Bring Your Viking to Church" this Sunday.

Thog No Werk Heer

Monday is Bring Your Caveman to Work Day!

Here are a few simple rules to help your day go smoothly.

*Take some air freshener along for the carpool ride to and from work. Please be discreet, Thog have feelings, too.

*Remember to put your Caveman's lunch into the refrigerator immediately. Raw meat spoils quickly in even the most air-conditioned of offices.

*It's best to make sure clubs are left at home. You don't need a sexual harassment suit pending because your Caveman drug Sally from personnel into your cubicle.

*Try to keep your Caveman away from the copy machine. All it takes is one photocopy of a hand to set your Caveman back a million years.

*If your Caveman gets bored, let him string paper clips together. He'll think he's helping and you'll be able to finish your report. It has something to do with the missing link theory.

*Bring your own bottled water so you can avoid the water cooler. The normal talk around it about what happened on "Heroes" will be replaced by a non-stop conversation of "Ugh"s.

*It's okay to ask your Caveman for advice. Remember, he discovered the wheel.

Are You Smarter Than a Sock Monkey?

How did the Archduke Ferdinand like his eggs?

The first correct post wins a coupon for a free library book check-out at the library of Sock Monkey's choice.

Rocking in the Real World

Why elementary school is not like the real world.....

*In elementary school, the teacher takes the rubber snake away from Billy and makes him share with Sally. In the real world, the boss doesn't care who is right, the raise or business trip goes to the whiniest baby that spends all of his/her time sucking up.

*In elementary school, the playground bully usually grows up to be the loser town drunk. In real life, the office bully ends up being the office manager, then district manager and then Lord Tsar Admiral High Supreme Ruler of All Land East and West of the Mississip, esquire.

*In elementary school, you can buy cool school supplies with your favorite movie or cartoon characters on them. In real life, you look like a darn fool if you try to sign a contract with a pink Hello Kitty highlighter and co-workers just can't respect those Spongebob file folders.

*In elementary school, a sticker from the teacher makes everything better. In the real world, it takes a 3-day weekend and a dumptruck full of Cheetos to make the world seem right again.

*In elementary school, you get a free ride to and from school every day. In real life, the only thing free about the carpool is the cigarette smoke and the Tim McGraw song that keeps getting stuck in your head.

*In elementary school, you can bring a seashell to school for show and tell. In the real world, if you bring something cool to show everyone, it gets stolen during your first coffee break and ends up on eBay for 1.99.

*In elementary school, you get a hot lunch everyday. In the real world, you get a hot tuna salad sandwich because the workroom fridge is on the fritz...again.

*In elementary school, you fake sick and your mom buys it. In the real world, you go into work leaning on your IV pole and no one even looks up.

People Who Should Not Have Tattoos

1.) Mothers: Aw, hearken back to those early mornings when mom pulled your steaming hot strawberry pop tart out of the toaster, burned her finger and then turned the air blue with her swearing. Your last sight as you got on the school bus was mom's tattooed arm waving goodbye as she lights a new GPC cigarette from her old one.

2.) Pasty People: Nothing looks more gross in flourescent lighting than a bright green tatt on a cavefish.

3.) Indecisive People: If you are not absolutely 100 percent without a doubt positive that that is the person you are going to be buried next to, don't have their name written in ink on your arm.

4.) People Who Can't Afford Them: These are the people who try to make their own (A.K.A. prison tattoos). Newsflash, you can tell they are homemade. If the poor art work and the misspelled words didn't give it away, the time spent in the hospital for infection did.

5.) People Who Wrinkle: I haven't seen a lot of really old people with tattoos. Then again, I haven't been to Hell. I imagine it would be something like that.

How to Know if Your "Man" Friend is a Vampire

His first instant message to you is "what is your type?" and he means blood.

On your first date, you suggest an Italian restaurant and he starts pouting.

He selects Frankenstein from your bookshelf, reads the last page and then weeps openly.

You put a lot of work into planning day trips. At first he is excited, but he always cancels at the last minute.

He has never heard of Oprah.

When you invite him over for dinner and ask how he likes his steak, it takes you an hour and a half to talk him out from under the coffee table.

His email is: vlad_dracul3@transylvania.net

The bumper sticker on his black Cadillac says, "My other car is a hearse".

He mentions that he has to make a withdrawl and he stops at a blood bank.

He claims to have sold all of his mirrors to a flea market because they made his bottom look fat.

He wears an unordinary amount of lace.

He thinks Christopher Lee is the most underrated actor of our time.

He giggles uncontrollably when Tevye sings "Sunrise, Sunset" during Fiddler on the Roof. When you ask why, he cryptically answers that he "has all the time in the world" and then he calls Tevye "a chump".

His sister tells you he is.

Truth in Advertising

What is with store/restaurant names? It seems to me that in order for people to want to eat or shop at their business, people would be more careful what they name a place. An example of a place I'm talking about is a store near where I live. It's called The Bible Book Store. They believe in placing their cards on the table. You know exactly what you are in for when you go in there. Chances are, you are either walking out with a Bible or a book. A name that bothers me is Cap'n D's. It sounds like a place owned by a sea captain who didn't do well in school. Also, the Dollar General bugs me. That pretty much says stuff is going to cost a dollar and there will be big barrels of saltines and pickles everywhere. Neither is the case. Although, I think I got a Cherry Mash there once that was made in the 1800's. There is a homey little store nearby called The Brier Patch. Brier is spelled wrong, it's supposed to be Briar. That makes me question whether they can ring up my purchases properly. 88 dollars for a crappy carrot cake candle?? Oops, that was 8 dollars. Sorry. Also, anything with a backwards letter does not sit well with me. It makes me wonder if they goofed on the sign, they think it's cute or they have dyslexia. Any of the above is reason enough to boycott.
My sister and I plan to open businesses next to each other. Her's will be called The Salvador Deli". All of the sandwiches will look very thought provoking and will be real conversation starters, but in the end, customers will find that they are not very filling. My store will be called, "Harry Pottery". It will be a magical place where you can buy an ashtray for 1.99. All of the products will have little lightning bolts made into them. Big sale on pencils holders a week from Tuesday. We are located on Route 9. You can't miss us, we are right next to Pacemakers (backwards) R Us.

On the Cutting Edge

I cannot believe I am writing this as I assumed I would be 6 feet under by now. Quincy would say, "Lacerations to wrist caused by dull, possibly off-brand scissors."
However, I actually survived the first week of school. It probably helped that it was only two days. It was like a training week. I had 3 criers (one of them was me) and one near puker (not me). If I am going to puke, I am going to puke. None of that near business. I believe in finishing any job I start. So, I feel successful, but really tired. I pretty much set up residence on my couch last night.
The strange thing is that I wore a pair of shoes that I have worn a lot. They still gave me blisters. It is a proven scientific fact that any pair of shoes you wear on the first day of school will give you blisters. I have paperwork documenting this all the way back to my 5th grade year.

Me-diddly-ee

In case anyone is wondering (which I sincerely doubt), this would be me if I lived in Springfield. Oddly enough, my driver's license picture looks a lot like this.

In Movies

*In movies, after you announce your retirement publicly, you don't live to see the next sunrise. In real life, after you retire you find yourself sitting at home playing checkers with your cat and not making enough money from your retirement checks to buy used bacon.

*In movies, two people can stand 3 feet away from someone and talk in their normal voices. The third person never hears a word said. In real life, if you even whisper something, the gossip mill doesn't sleep until every cable news station has wrung the information dry of every sweet drop of gossip juice.

*In movies, people can blow up a city block and never do a day in jail. In real life,you can think about throwing a Tootsie Roll wrapper out your car window and your'e doing a nickle in the State Penn.

*In movies, opposites always attract to make for a fun-filled, roller-coaster relationship. In real life, you sit across the table from someone who is your polar opposite and spend a very uncomfortable half hour trying to make conversation about things you know nothing about before going home early and eating an entire bowl of Cool Whip in your nightgown.

*In movies, all doctors are good looking. In real life....they aren't.

*In movies, if you color your hair, no one recognizes you. In real life, if you color your hair no one even notices.

*In movies, people break into song and dance on city streets. In real life, if you break into song and dance you are immediatley surrounded with your hands up and a team of psychiatrists are on standby to take you down with a tranc gun.

*In movies, science is used by superheroes to win battles against evil geniuses who are trying to rule the world. In real life, science is boring and studied by nerds who can afford to drive really nice cars.

*In movies, if you get called for jury duty, it's going to be for a high profile murder trial. In real life, if you get called for jury duty, you get excused for asking for the death penalty in a shoplifting case.

*In movies, the high school jock goes on to run the small Southern town where he is from with an iron fist. In real life, the high school jock goes on to be the bald used car salesman that no one trusts.

Beware the Stunt Monkeys

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce to you some of the stunt monkeys that make this blog possible. Sock Monkey is only one monkey. He is awesome, we all know that, but he can't do it all. Here is the power behind the throne.

Pictured:
Bottom row: Sock Monkey
Middle row: David Lee A.K.A. "Son of Sock Monkey"
Top Row: Dutch A.K.A. "The Flying Dutchman"

You might remember Dutch and David Lee from such posts "Summer of My Discontent" and "Plan B Movie".

*Thank you to Colt Seaver Stunt Agency, Inc.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends (The Real Ones)

Friends are really great. There is nothing better than having a phone conversation with a friend to catch up on stuff , telling a joke that you know will make a friend laugh or reading a friend’s hilariously true email. However, what is the deal with people who say they are your friend and then, when you aren’t looking, you get a conveniently placed dull butter knife right to the back? I am going back to work next week and I am really dreading it. It seems I left summer school feeling that my work friends were a bunch of (*****) [deleted by poster so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings]. By the way, it said, jerks. Get your mind out of the gutter :) I won’t bore you with specifics about what happened, but…

*Why can’t people accept the fact that you can have more than one friend? How many of you have been knocked to the ground and kicked/rolled behind a big piece of furniture to hide you from an approaching friend of your friend? Really? Oh, then never mind.

*Why can’t some friends listen to your problems? They love to tell their’s, but the minute you say, “I had something crummy happen”. POOF! It’s like they are Casper and they have to go haunt some of other wing of the mansion. I think this problem is indigenous to the female race and teachers.

*Why do some so-called friends think they have to lord things over you and be better than you? Most of the time I just pity them for their stupidity, “Hey, look at me, I have an internet boyfriend I met on Yahoo dating that’s more internet boyfriends than you have met on Yahoo dating (the County Fair of internet dating. Yeah and I haven't tried to find an internet boyfriend.) and my tube top has more sequins than your turtleneck.” To quote one of my brother’s friends. “You’re a turtleneck, so-called friend.”

I consider myself a pretty faithful and loyal friend. Some of you may disagree. Take it up with the comment box. I just want to say to my really and true friends (who are the only ones who would be reading this). Thanks for listening to me and making me laugh. I hope I return the favor.

Birthday Wish List

Sock Monkey's birthday is coming up. He has decided to celebrate by publishing his birthday present wish list:

*Autographed picture of original Cheetah from the 1932 movie "Tarzan the Ape man".

*Vintage "Goin' Bananas" t-shirt circa 1976.

*A 1981 Dodge Charger yellow in color with flames on the doors and a license plate reading "SOCMNKE"

*Monchhichis complete first season on DVD.

*A Garanimals jogging suit.

*A bottle of Wild Simian cologne.

*World Peace.

I'll Tell You When I've Had Enough

What is the durn deal with the new vitamin and mineral besplashed soda? (I like putting be in front of words). In the spring, I went to get a pop from the machine at work and they had this new brightly colored diet soda with vitamins. I am usually the first one on the bandwagon to try new pop, however, I have to say, this one kind of turned my stomach. Just thinking about adding things to pop (unless it’s vanilla, caramel crème or cherry) is unnatural. I don’t drink pop for my health, people. If I did, I would be drinking Dr. Pepper! When they start trying to make our junk food healthy, I get scared. I mean what’s next, Cough Syrup Slushies? Pain Relief Popsicles? Management of Osteoporosis Orange-ade?

*Warning: Drinking any of these products may result in joint pain, backaches, headaches, tummy aches, bloating, chest pain, bleeding from the eye, liver disease, malaise, unconsciousness, urge to gamble, heart attack, shortness of breath, dizziness, clouded contact lenses, loss of limbs, underage drinking, dryness of mouth, unexpected slobbering, weight loss, weight gain, mass murders, sore throat, skin rash, IRS audits, and general disgust. If symptoms occur, please tell teenager at the fast food counter what other injected medicines you have had in your drinks.

Sock Monkey's Big Announcement

Sock Monkey would like to take this opportunity to throw his chin-strap hat into the ring and announce his candidacy for presidency of the United States of America.

Biography:

Sock Monkey was born to immigrant parents in New York City. His father worked for peanuts alongside an organ grinder while his mother was a homemaker. Growing up in the projects with several brothers and sisters, Sock Monkey still found time to educate himself by reading borrowed books by firelight.

As an adult, Sock Monkey clawed his way out of the urban jungle and began a career as the front man for the rock n roll group, The Great Apes. After limited success, he worked in the corporate world as the CEO of a monkey business.

Sock Monkey sees the need for continued leadership as America walks into the new frontier. He feels that with his past struggles and swinging lifestyle, he understands what America needs.

SOCK MONKEY FOR PRESIDENT 2008

Stop by campaign headquarters, The Frozen Banana, and get a free tropical smoothie with every promised vote.

Check back for Sock Monkey for President 2008 updates. Please.

Glory Days

I recently noticed, being a bit slow on the uptake, that the songs I listened to as a kid are now being played in stores. I could not believe that Rod Stewart was singing, “If you think I’m sexy” in Radio Shack. Who wants to hear that while they are buying a phone card? True story. I heard Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf” in Wal-Mart. I'm standing in the potato chip aisle and there it is. Oh, Simon LeBon, what has happened to the world? When did you stop being cool? Long answer: the minute society broke down and started pandering to a new generation. Short answer: 1986. It is like the uber jerk who decides which music is to be played in very white very safe places has access to my ipod. What the heck?

The big question, besides why is Bruce Springstein being played in the “Paper Factory” is why is“the man” listening to teenagers (who get money from their parents) and not my generation? Why isn't my music still mainstream? We are the ones with jobs, educations, money and evidently, taste. My advice to Skippy, AKA Voltran, Lord of the Musack, go back to playing Bobby Vinton. You are making me feel pretty unhip here.

*Sock Monkey is posing with Bryan Adams: Summer of 69, Corey Hart: Never Surrender, The Bee Gees: Stayin' Alive, and El Debarge: Rhythm of the Night.
See I told you I was cool....

It's Alive!!

As an educator, I am concerned about what teachers are teaching students about history. To me, history is a very very important subject. However, I fear that most teachers do not remember the Alamo.

Here are some of the important historical events and how I fear they are going to be watered down and PC’d up:

The Spanish Inquisition was a popular game show of the day.

The Donner Party was a big family birthday celebration.

Custer’s Last Stand was the final lemonade stand that George Custer ran.

Pearl Harbor was a jewelry store.

The 95 Theses was Martin Luther’s late college paper that he pinned to the church’s door to avoid a late grade.

Attila the Hun was a nickname from his wife.

Sherman’s March to the Sea was a series of fundraising band gigs to pay for new uniforms.

Boss Tweed and Tamany Hall was a 70’s singing duo.

The Battle of the Bulge was an episode of Oprah.

This is why I feel it is so important to keep history alive. That’s reason number 5 that I have begun a series of tests to reanimate the long lifeless body of John Paul Jones.

America's Greatest Treasure

I think that America has put the wrong treasure in Fort Knox. Gold? Come on. There is a bigger treasure that America has just rolled over like a Sonic chili dog wrapper. What am I talking about? Well, if you have to ask that, I’m afraid I need to see your citizenship records. I could only be talking about one person: The great Fess Parker.

Fess parker was the quintessential injun fighter slash coon skin becapped pioneer. I love those old Davy Crockett movies where hijinx and hilarity ensue along the Mississippi River as he traps furs and punches bad guys in the eye. He was also pretty cool as Daniel Boone in the old series. Yes, Davy Crockett was pretty much the same guy as Daniel Boone. My theory is that Daniel stumbled onto some kind of powerful strong immortality elixir along the Wilderness Trail and to throw everyone off, he changed his name to Davy Crockett. I think he later took on other names. One of which is Charles Bronson. When it starts to get unbelievable, he switches personas. That means he still walks among us. That’s a conspiracy theory for another day. Enough about Daniel/Davy/Charles. Back to Fess….

I think they need to send Tomahawk helicopters immediately to wherever Fess parker is. There needs to be guards on him 24 hours a day. Electrical chicken wire by the mile should surround his home and all his possessions. This man needs to be protected. He’s older now, and we can’t risk any guys in tri-cornered hats trying to jump his claim. Rally call to America, “Don’t mess with Fess”.

Hair of the Monkey That Bit You

Picture 1: Sock Monkey before seeing Hairspray.
Picture2: Sock Monkey after seeing Hairspray. I can't seem to talk him down.

I saw the movie Hairspray twice within a week. It was awesome! I wasn't sure about it because of the Travolta dress thing. I'm not big on drag queen movies. I actually only know of one, Priscilla, Queen of the Darned, and I've never even seen it. I know of one guy who has seen Hairspry 8 times and he is planning on going to Harvard, so he's no dummard. It was the happiest I ever remember being in a movie. It was just great.

I was flipping channels the other night and came across the last 15 minutes of the original. After seeing that, I can't believe anyone was brave enough to try it again. If 15 minutes made me that nervous, I can't imagine what 16 minutes would have done. It was a train wreck of 20 year old bad acting and worse costuming. It was worse than The Time Machine (no offense to Guy Pearce...see The Count of Monte Cristo instead). It was even worse than Monster-in-Law (offense to Hanoi Jane....see file footage from the early 70's).

I recommend seeing and later purchasing the 2007 Hairspray. I also recommend purchasing the 1988 Hairspary (all of them). Then we can all meet up at the old dump and make sure that our nieces and nephews never have to see what we saw.

Summer of My Discontent

Once more a summer has slipped by and I hardly got anything from my To Do List completed. I didn’t drink one mint julep while sitting on the veranda. I didn’t take one stroll in the gardens. I didn’t pick one lemon to make a pitcher of ice cold lemonade.

Here is a partial list of other things that I didn’t do:

I didn’t make it to the Ring Around the Rosey Tournament in Violet Valley, Vermont. I had been practicing all spring. The winner is crowned with a ring of daisies and given a one way ticket back to reality.

I didn’t get to unveil my new line of Dickensian cat clothes called “Tails for Two Kitties”. Too many licensing issues. Now, I’m working on switching it to Dickensian clothes for earthworms. That line will be called “Bait Expectations”.

I haven’t had time to record my new answering machine message that says, “Hi. How did you find me? I’m not home because I’m in the witness protection program. Oh, no, someone’s coming. You’ve led them to me” ……click. Maybe I can do that on Christmas break.

I didn’t get to go to one backyard barbecue. That means no mosquito bites. No West Nile Virus. And another year of work. Pooey!

I didn’t get to guest star on any late night talk shows. Probably because I didn’t write a book, star in a movie, sing a hit song or win the Ring Around the Rosey Tournament. There is always next year, Conan O’Brien AND Missy Von Sturdevant!! That daisy crown is mine!!!

Summer wishes………

Sock Monkey Sings.....

Sock Monkey writes the songs that make the whole world think.
…. Berry Cantaloupe

In this long awaited collection, Sock Monkey brings back the songs of our childhood. Revising the traditional lyrics for a hipper audience, Sock Money ensures that each song will be remembered for a long time to come. Each track has been re-mixed for a bluesy sound that your kids will be humming around the milk cooler for days.

Sock Monkey Sings…contains the following songs:

Mary had a little scam
Little scam
Little scam
Mary had a little scam
She fleeced the elderly

Twinkle twinkle little bar
How I wonder where you are
I’m so drunk I can’t recall
That you are out by the mall
Twinkle twinkle little bar
I’m lost driving in my car

The farmer in the cell
The farmer in the cell
He stole another stereo
The farmer in the cell

The deals on the bus go down, down, down
down, down, down
down, down, down
The deals on the bus go down, down, down
All over town

Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Froggie went to court for DUI Uh-huh
Attorney and bail bondsman by his side Uh-huh

*Sock Monkey does not condone stealing, drinking or scamming the elderly. This is merely his political commentary on society. Peace out, Monkey fans.

Plan B Movie

So, I'm still thinking how cool it would be to have a movie made about my life. Obviously, I haven't done anything to merit it....yet. However, there are a couple of routes I could take.

1.) The Victim. I don't really see myself in the whole "cut down in the prime of her life" role, though. I don't want to have to have my family having to seek justice or anything. Also, I would like to live to see the premiere. I don't look good in blood, either.

2.) Whistle Blower. I am not really cut out to be Erin Brockovitch. What am I going to do? Bring down the plastic baggie industry because kid's sandwich bags aren't sealing in freshness or maybe the glue stick conglomerates beacuse the fumes are dropping kids like cops in the beginning credits of Quincy. I did have an aide go to sleep in my classroom floor once, but that's another story.

So, what's left? Maybe a wacky comedy of errors? If it makes it to theatres (which I sincerely doubt) I'm lobbying for Renee Zellwegger to play me. However, I'll probably have to settle on that girl who played the desk clerk in episode 67 of Barettta. She needs the money to buy a pride jazzi wheelchair.

Who do you want to play you?

School Supply Lists Are For Chumps

As much as I try to will it to remain July forever, August is coming. I used to dread September, but then they moved the first day of school up to mid-August. Evidently, September winds weren’t broasting the skin off of enough grade schoolers, so they moved it up to August slash purgatory. With the beginning of school come school supplies. When I was a kid, it was a big deal. You got crayons, 2 pencils, scissors and glue. Anything else was gravy. If you were lucky, your mom would buy a Trapper Keeper in your choice of colors: red or blue. Nowadays, teachers require everything from 2 kinds of crayons and glue to camera film and sandwich baggies. I don’t, but I imagine a lot of these teachers are slipping items from their personal grocery lists on the school supply sheets.
“Okay, Mom, we got crayons. Now, we need cat food, toothpaste, some menthol Marlboro's and a Woman’s Day magazine.”

School supplies have also gotten increasingly crappy in our Dollar General world. We used to have compasses that you could shish-ka-bob stuff on. If some kid ticked you off at lunch, you could use the compass to shank him. When you entered math class, you would wipe the blood on your jeans and finish your math homework. Somehow, life seemed simpler then. Now, they have plastic compasses. As if they are assuming every kid in the world is in special education geometry class.

What has happened to lunchboxes? My good friend recently gave me a cool book for my birthday with vintage lunchboxes in it. It is awesome to look back and remember what a joy school lunch used to be. The boxes used to be sturdy. You could sit on them on the bus and your Little Debbie snack cake stayed in tact. Now, they are made of cloth, so your peanut butter and jelly sandwich looks like a gordita by the time lunch rolls around. They also used to say a lot about your personality. A funny cartoon lunchbox meant you liked to laugh. A princess/doll one meant you were a girly girl. An action/adventure one meant you were a tough guy wannabe. A brown bag meant Mommy was out late again with her new boyfriend. Today, lunchboxes mean nothing as far as what kind of person you are. They usually mean that Wal-Mart only had Dora the Explorer. Tough luck, son.

I won’t even get started on what I think about what should and what does go into a lunchbox.

*My sister had a Hollie Hobbie lunchbox. My brother had Dukes of Hazzard and Gremlins lunchboxes. I had Snoopy (which could not be located at press time). Curse you Lucy! You win this round!

A Cup of Joe and a Mortgage

I watched as he reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his life's savings, 4 dollars, some change and a lintball. The woman behind the counter handed him a cup. Stepping back into mall traffic, he took a sip. Then, he took another. Pronouncing it too stong, he carelessly tossed it in a trash can. My own brother just threw 4 dollars worth of half caf, half coff and all cup in the trash! My eyes did the huge cartoon jumping out of my head ah-ooooga thing.

I love coffee, but I'm not an "okay, let me withdraw some money, so I can buy a cup" type person. If I'm in the mall, I can think of other, better uses for my 4 dollars and change. I could buy 8 giant peach-shaped gumballs from the machines. I could put a down payment on a t-shirt at Hot Topic that looks like a straight jacket (awesome for teacher workdays). I could buy 4 bottles of water and with some free ketchup and pepper packets from the Food Court Arby's make my special Hobo Virgin Bloody Marys for Sunday brunch. I could buy a Dover Thrift Edition of 'The Vicar at Wakefield' from Border's and still have money left over to buy a kitten bookmark with a tassle. (Nothing says, "see my college education" like a Dover Thrift Edition classic.) I might even get a wacky, 'stick it to the man', clearance bumper sticker at one of those high end teen stores that says, "I Heart Guns 'N Roses".

Now, spending a wad of money at a cute little coffee pagoda with wire chairs and biscotti doesn't sound too tempting, does it? If we pool our money, we can have Hobo Virgin Bloody Marys for a week!

10 Ways to Get Escorted Out of a Nascar Race

10. Your cell phone goes off and the ring tone is not: A.) Dixieland B.) Black Betty C.) Sweet Home Alabama

9. As you pass through the elbow to elbow crowd, you say, "So, who is this Dale Earnhardt I've heard so much about?"

8. You pass through the metal detectors and you are clean. You realize too late that you left your pig sticker at home.

7. At the concession stand you ask, "What the heck is pulled pork?"

6. You are not carrying anything in a Wal-Mart bag.

5. Every time a car wrecks, you fall to your kness, pounding the concrete and screaming, "WHY!? WHY?! Take me instead!"

4. Your Pepsi, Havoline, Kellog's Tide Winnebago wasn't handling too good when it clipped 3 spectators and a barbecue grill.

3. When the speakers get quiet for the national anthem, your voice is heard a little too loudly as you finish your conversation with your seat mate, "So, I told him, no thanks. I don't have any use for front row seats at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert."

2. You accidentally let it slip that you would have voted for Lincoln.

1. You are not showing enough cleavage.

American Gothic, Indeed

This is for anyone who has ever been asked out by someone you are not interested in. These are some positive answers to, "How's about you and me see a movie?" By positive answers I mean, that person won't get his/her feelings hurt and will never trouble you again:

Want to go grab something to eat this Friday?

1. Sure. I think you would make an excellent first husband (wife).

2. Oh, goody! My therapist will be so happy to see that I'm moving on.

3. Wow! You sure are brave, I'll give you that much.

4. Yes, I would. The commune needs a good worker like you. I can't wait to introduce you to Father Moonbeam.

5. You bet. Now, can you spell your name for me. I'll need it for the tattoo artist.

Don't Cry, Sock Monkey

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. I just found out that The Upside Down Show hasn't been renewed for next season. It is a Noggin show that my niece watched and I happened to see part of one episode. I was hooked. It is so clever and funny. My niece has begun to show a real imaginiation. She plays with an imaginary ball while walking through Wal-Mart. I just hope she stops that before he's 25.

The two guys who do it are Shane and David (they are the Umbilical Brothers comedy duo). I think the charm of the show is that they aren't talking down to kids. I HATE when people talk down to kids. That's why we have so many cry babies in the world. A kid's show that is equally geared to adults is long overdue. They have made references to Pink Floyd, a bird who sounds like Paul McCartney, Happy Gilmore, Benny and Joon, and my favorite: Mini-golf episode: Shane and David present a barrage of mini items to the viewer, including Minnie Mouse, Minnie Driver, a miniskirt, Minnie Minor, Mini Major, Minnie the Moocher, and Mini Ha-Ha.

I am starting to think I am cursed. Every show I like gets cancelled or just ends. Jericho was cancelled (it's coming back for a limited run, but don't get attached). Digging for the Truth is going off. Josh is going to the Discovery channel. His next project is about weather. Oh, yay. I don't even watch the 5 minute weather forecast on the local news. There are other examples, I'm just too distraught to think about it. I hope whoever has my TV bugged doesn't realize how much I like Frasier.

Farewell Shane, David, Puppet, Shmuzzies. It was a great run. Good on you, you Aussie wonders! Thanks for giving kids some dignity, if only for a few months.

An Educational Discussion About Why Pirates Are And Have Always been Cool.

Everywhere you look there is tons of pirate stuff for sale. I went to a party store and it was like a jamboree of pirate merchandise. I bought a bunch of cool stuff to decorate my classroom. It occurs to me though, that B.P.C (before Pirates of the Carribean) you felt like you were discovering a real treasure if you found something that had a treasure chest on it and anything with a skull and crossbones was either ammonia or cult gear. After, P.C., pirate stuff has become cool.

That gripes me because pirates have always been cool! I'm not some Jenny come lately to this. I have loved pirates for years and years. Okay, scoffers, why are pirates cool? Here is a breakdown:

*They often had descriptive adjectives in their names."Red Devil" Turbeville (he sounds like a charmer), Blackbeard (devil with the ladies), Calico Jack (pioneer pirate??) How many people do you know that have adjectives attached to their names. They should, but they don't. Dirty Stinkin' Bob, Ugly Slack-Jawed Steve, Fat Trashy Betty. There would just be too many tears involved in a world like that.

*Blackbeard took 5 gunshots and 20 stab wounds before he died. He was still reloading and fighting after having been shot and stabbed numerous times. Most sissy britches today get dizzy when they get a paper cut. The only man who could survive 25 wounds is Diehard and he's not real. Let's keep that quiet because I think a lot of people don't realize that.

*How many people could rob someone with only one eye? If you figure in depth perception and all, that is a pretty impressive feat. One-eyed pirates may have had to have taken several swipes at a lady's necklace, but when his other hand was holding a cutlass, I think she would have been patient.

*Who else could think up such innovative punishments? Keel hauling: Disgusting, but very creative. Marooning: efficient, low-cost and pretty effective. Marooned pirates had a lot of time to think about their rogueish actions. It was like an intense time-out.

Cap'n Sock Monkey says, "If ye don't like pirates, ye can dance the hempen jig!"
*Despite what you may think, that has nothing to do with hippies.

Sport Billy Opening

Here it is folks....in all it's Saturday morning preachiness!

Kidd Video Opening Song

The cool guy, the cool girl, the nerd guy, the nerdier guy. It's all there!

From My Video to My Radio

Grab a bowl of Sugar Crusty Sweety-O’s Cereal and think back……Four Saturday morning TV shows made a big impact on my childhood. It’s crazy because I watched a plethora of television as a child, you would think I had more vivid memories, but my most vivid are from these shows. Two are good memories and two are bad.

Awesomeville
Kidd Video: 1984-1987
This cartoon/live action show was right up a pre-teen kid’s alley. I loved this show! It began with opening credits of a real band that got sucked in a cartoon world called “The Flipside”. They definitely saved the best for last because it ended with a sweet sweet candy coated video nearly worthy of Friday Night Videos Lite. Plus, Kidd Video was pretty easy on the eyes.

Friday Night Videos: 1983-2000
This was a Friday night staple at my house. You were Sally Lunchbox all week and then on Friday Night it was time to let loose and get down with the sweet sounds of Jermaine Jackson’s ‘Dyanmite’. I watched Prince’s ‘When Doves Cry’ so many times, I wanted to cry. I saw so many cultural and clothing changes in that time, it was amazing. Twisted Sister. Enough said.

Honorable Mention: Land of the Lost: 1974-1977
I saw these in reruns. They put them on on Saturday morning and I think I came in on the middle somewhere, but it didn’t matter. It was super great fun.

Losertown
Sport Billy: 1982-1983
Every Saturday, my mom bought us frozen pizzas for lunch. However, the ill-timed Sport Billy was on at lunch time and I found it difficult to swallow my pepperoni bounty while the TV was on. In my house, the TV was never off, except to rest while we slept. Sport Billy was about a magic kid from the planet Olympus who fought evil with sports. I think a teacher had seized control of the TV station while the programmers were at lunch and showed a school movie. This was definitely a show for nerdlings. Teamwork, cooperation…it flew in the face of true entertainment and every thing my generation had come to expect on Saturday morning.

30 Minutes: 1978-1982
This was a hard hitting documentary show for kids. Obviously they thought we couldn’t handle a whole 60 minutes and after what I saw on an episode, I tend to agree with them. This show should have been safely tucked away in the “I don’t remember that schlock” file, except for one episode. It was about a teenager that was stabbed on the street. It was so real and so bloody that it stayed with me the rest of the day and I still remember it rather vividly. Anything produced by 60 minutes should definitely not be on after cartoons. “Let’s wait until after Kissyfur goes off and then show how that drug deal went bad.”

Honorable Mention: Smurfs: 1981-1990
This was the dumbest show in the history of forever. Nothing can ever be thought of to top it in pure ignorance. What was the show about anyway? Propaganda of some sort that was fed to us like an aspirin crushed up with sugar? It didn’t matter, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve heard it’s going to be a movie. It’s definitely time to go underground.

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Yardstick

Detention:
“What are you in for?”
“Not getting my lines straight because I broke my ruler beatin‘ a guy to death.”

I had an English teacher (Mrs P) when I was in the 8th grade that was so old school. How old school was she? She wore doubleknit slacks and nurse’s shoes and she was about 80 years old. She had been my mom’s jr. high PE teacher. How does one go from being a PE teacher to an English teacher? It seemed like an unrealistic jump until the day she said we were going to be learning to diagram sentences. That is the equivalent to climbing a rope to ring a stupid bell. We sat there looking at her like a bunch of google-eyed loons. Remember, this is 1985, not 1885.

She demonstrated, but it was all lunacy. She was so strict about the straight edge, that if our lines were crooked, we lost points on it. “Please let us go back to reading the watered-down Scholastic version of ‘The Taming of the Shrew’ and doing ditto worksheets about possessive pronouns!”
It made us long for 7th grade where we read the watered-down Scholastic version of ‘The Tell-Tale Heart’ and wrote Haikus.

Well, those days were over. It was time to grow up, and fast. I’d like to say that I slapped myself in the face and said, “Hand me that chalk and ruler, I’m goin’ in, Coach”, but it was more like me pulling my peach colored velcro kangaroos as far under the desk as I could get them and hunkering down in my seat. My heart was beating so hard that I was afraid Edgar Allan Poe was going to jump out of the 7th grade anthology and enter the 8th grade room at any moment. “Please, bury me under the floorboards, Mr. Poe!” I would make the newspaper, ‘Recent Parsings’….
I should have sent her a dia-gram
Western Union
MRS P STOP

Needless to say, I survived English class and never diagramed another sentence again. Kids, don’t believe teachers when they tell you you will be using fractions in your everyday adult life. You actually can pay people to figure the cubic area of your living room carpet. Diagraming sentences is even more unnecessary than figuring cubic feet! Besides, who knew you would need a ruler in English class?

Here is a sentence for you, Mrs. P:
Mrs. P should have been fired for teaching us unnecessary crap.

Mrs. P is the subject
Fired is the verb
For teaching is a prepositional phrase
Unnecessary is an adjective
Holy corn! It stuck.